15 Reasons Gays Are Better Lovers
LGBT people are great in a lot of ways, but chief among those ways is that we are extremely positive and open-minded about sensuality. In order to have a healthy outlook on life, we have to reflect upon our lifestyles in a positive light and ignore any distaste for them. We have to rise above people's expectations and fully accept our collective #unicornstatus. Any LGBT folks who don't (or can't) do this are generally less happy and productive members of society. Part of what our straight friends (that's most of you!) can do to help make that process smoother is to understand why we like non-straight intimacy so much! For your viewing (and general) pleasure, I --- a card-carrying member of the LGBT community --- have assembled a list of the best aspects of LGBT gettin' freaky. Feel free to adopt any of these practices and suggestions, but make sure to properly cite us. We're still salty about being uncredited for terms like "fierce," "werk," "shade," and "everything that drag queens have ever said."
I would also like to note that I, as a gay man, am in no way an ambassador for the many gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender men and women who comprise the many subcultures and intersecting communities within the larger LGBT world. I can't speak for all of us, and I can only generalize in some cases, but I can absolutely speak from experience. Now, let's get wild. Here are the 15 reasons that LGBT people are generally better in bed.
15 Role Playing Is More Fun
When two people of the same gender are role playing, there are way more options for costumes. First of all, we can borrow each other's clothes. Second, we can create scenarios outside of the typical man/woman paradigm. Instead of a policeman and a drunken sorority girl, we can have two drunken sorority girls! Or two closeted policemen! Or two boys in prep school! Or aliens who can only breed with members of the same gender! Instead of boss and secretary, we can have… Wait, why do the boss/secretary situations always have the man in the boss role? We need to try harder with that. The point is that same-gender couples have a whole new world of options available to them, as long as we're creative and open-minded. (Fortunately, that includes a lot of us. Have you seen how many Tonys we have between us?)
14 We've Been Doing It Forever
There is proof of homosexuality in the Old Testament, and we are all aware of it thanks to homophobic Bible thumpers. I think the verse goes something like, "Man shall not do poppers with man." (Cherviticus 69:1969.) Or whatever. In any case, modern society has mostly accepted that gayness is almost as old as Adam and Eve. This means that we gays have had generations upon generations to perfect our craft. Also: Adam and Steve may not have received mention in Genesis alongside Adam and Eve, but that's only because they kept to themselves. Only the major dumpster fires (ahem, Eve) were infamous enough to get called out in the first book of the Bible. Instead of sinning left and right and begetting trainwrecks, like Cain and Abel, Adam and Steve kept to themselves and ran a successful farmer's market. They pointedly only sold God-approved apples.
13 Speaking Of Not Fathering Train-wrecks…
Yeah, so the biggest rule of gay intimacy is that it is not procreative. While straight folks have been spending centuries figuring out how to make intimacy --- a functional and necessary activity --- more enjoyable, LGBT people have been recreaoionaly going at it since the dawn of time. It's so much less stressful to "do it" when you don't have to worry about accidentally making a baby! LGBT people also don't have to worry about accidentally fathering the next Hitler, or Joffrey, or Sean Spicer, or any of the dads on Teen Mom. Gay bonking is a chance to just relax and enjoy life for all it has to offer, sans child support. (Technically, we'd have to pay child support if we, like, adopted a child and then got a divorce and then… ugh.) We shouldn't have to worry about that! Why'd you have to encourage us to get married and raise children?!
12 We're Not Afraid To Try New Things
LGBT people know what struggle is. We've been harassed, persecuted, ostracized, bullied, despised, and beaten. (This continues to happen, btw.) Moral of the story: We've dealt with so many actual horrors that we're not afraid of a little adventure in the bedroom. Nothing can hurt as much as watching Brokeback Mountain lose the Oscar! We're also not afraid to try scary-looking toys, since it's so hard to scare us. We don't even care if we don't know what the toy does. We can figure it out, and it probably won't suck any more than the possibility of having our rights revoked by the federal government. I'm not saying that straight folks aren't into adventure; I'm just saying that LGBT people are already more open to non-traditional hanky panky. If there's a potential for adventure in an LGBT relationship, then it doesn't take as long for both parties to get to the inevitable destination.
11 We're More Patient
LGBT people have waited centuries upon centuries for government to recognize same-gender relationships and legalize same-gender marriage. It doesn't take a painstaking amount of effort to wait an extra twenty minutes to see our partners get off. While straight men have only recently learned that screwing isn't always super fun for women if they don't get off in some way, gays have always known that getting lucky is an equal-opportunity venture. We're also not afraid to call each other out if we don't do our part. There's nothing worse than gaining a reputation as a selfish lover! No worries, we've owned our aptitude for patience after years and years of smiling blankly while listening to people say ignorant things about us.
10 We All Take The Lead
By now, most people have heard of the concept of “top” and “bottom.” LGBT people, and gay men in particular, have to frequently negotiate who takes the lead in their intimate relationships. There isn't a clear-cut distinction of who puts what where (and when.) The plus side of this is that LGBT people have to take turns playing the submissive role in their relationships, which can be humbling and eye-opening. By playing the submissive role every now and then, a person is forced to experience fiddling on the other side of the coin. This makes them more understanding of their partner's needs and experiences the next time they switch off. The other plus side of this is that we aren't all exhausted all the time! When we trade off responsibilities, we pass the burden and allow both participants to feel valued and empowered.
9 We're Problem Solvers
When Adam and Steve first laid eyes on each other, the first thing they thought was, “I am attracted to that person and he is a man.” The second thing they thought was, “How do I get it in?” It was from that first discovery of the mechanics of gay intimacy that all modern forms of gay love have since evolved. Essentially, Adam and Steve had come up with a creative solution to their dilemma of not knowing how to consummate their love. Because of that creativity inherent in the first practitioners of gay shagging, it is not a stretch to say that all gay intimacy is also inherently creative. We're forced to try different positions and different roles, and we never feel constricted to the formula of “missionary position, repeat, sleep.” Every laying session is an adventure! (Unless we're married. Then it can be just as boring.)
8 Poppin' Hard
Have you heard of poppers? “Poppers” is a slang term given to akyl nitrites, which are legal over-the-counter chemicals that make you feel good when you inhale them through your nose. They're essentially muscle relaxers that turn your libido up and make your body feel warm and flexible. Gay men have been using them since at least the 1970s to loosen up mentally and physically before going at it. They can be purchased at nookie shops, and they're reportedly kind of fun to do on their own (without any promise of boning). There have been reports of gay men just doing poppers on street corners in West Hollywood before hitting their next drinking destination. Straight people should try them, too! Be careful, though: People popping poppers have been known to experience headaches, excessive perspiration and (ironically) temporary ED.
7 We're Better At Communicating
Whereas straight men have historically understood making love to mean “missionary plus grunting,” LGBT people have always been forced to take a more nuanced approach to the dirty deed. While there still may be a certain amount of missionary and grunting, LGBT people have always had to adopt a more collaborative approach in their bedroom activities. LGBT boffing is slightly more complicated than “sausage plus taco,” which means that there is always some level of negotiation involved with any gay shagging transaction. (It starts with “who's on top” and then proceeds from there.) Fortunately, modern society's attitudes towards bedroom activities are much more enlightened than they used to be, which means that straight men are more frequently respecting their partners' wishes in the bedroom. You might credit Cosmo and GQ (and, like, progress) for your more enjoyable bedroom experiences, but don't forget that we were doing it first.
6 We're More Fit
One of the biggest problems in specifically the gay male community is that we have impossibly high standards for male beauty. If you ever watch one of your gay friends swipe through guys on Tinder --- or Chappy, or GDaddy, or [etc etc etc] --- there's a good chance that he's only swiping right on the hottest of the hotties. Only regulation hotties get guaranteed right swipes. Gays are incredibly judgmental of each other's bodies, and there is an extreme amount of pressure from other gays to be fit, clean-cut and healthy. Why is that a problem, you ask? Well, it's super stressful and it's an unhealthy way for gays to harness society's disapproval of them and turn it inward upon members of their own kind. But hey: On the bright side, getting freaky between two fit people is pretty great! No one gets tired easily, and there are three, maybe four, rounds! But seriously, it's a problem.
5 Being United In Persecution Means We're Passionate
One of the benefits of being historically discriminated against is that you have a lot of inherited and acquired anger which you can sometimes funnel into a really great angry shag sesh. It's not like every same-gender experience is a violent journey into the darkest recesses of the human spirit, but sometimes it can be cathartic to tap into pure animalistic bitterness. This isn't true for every LGBT couple, but it is commonly accepted that the movement among gay men in the '80s to adopt hypermasculine personas. The “leather daddy” look was a product of gay men externalizing their anger at society's disapproval. Some modern gay men continue to cultivate aggressive, brittle personas as a reaction to the sometimes unwelcoming world that they live in; often, this aggressiveness can appear in the form of kink. Again: Not for everyone, but certainly more interesting than laying back with your legs in the air!
4 We're Not Averse To Public Quickies
Before society began accepting same-gender partnerships, LGBT people were forced to do their business in hiding. This often meant we couldn't get wild in our parents' houses (or in some cases, our wives' houses), so we had to resort to public bathrooms and skating rinks and particularly large bushes in Central Park. Although modern gays have more frequently been able to move in with each other and meet and mate in public, this dark part of our history is not fully out of our system. When you add Grindr to the mix, meaning we can literally find h**ny guys less than fifteen feet away (and even that might be too far), we are even more encouraged to make magic happen right where we're standing. Of course, if we're looking for romance, we make each other wait for bonking and we go on first dates and yada yada yada… But we do not pretend that we're not down for the occasional dirty liaison. And public quickies are exciting! The thrill of being caught adds extra pleasure to every move.
3 Bisexual Men In Particular Are More Open-Minded
Ladies, you're fooling yourself if you hold out hope that your gay best friend might turn straight for you one day. He might be down for the occasional drunken makeout sesh, but any further is too scary to even think about for him. However, you might be surprised at just how great bisexual men --- particularly bisexual men who have played submissive roles --- can be in bed. After relinquishing some of their traditional masculinity and being with another man, bisexual men are often much more understanding of their intimate partners, including their female partners. They understand the amount of communication and comfort necessary for a submissive partner to enjoy his or her sensual experience. This means that they might be extra attentive to your needs. Add to the fact that they've probably had just as many creative same-banging experiences as your gay friends, and you may have found yourself a dream man!
2 We're More Familiar With Each Other's Bodies
It still blows our minds that straight men are unfamiliar with the female anatomy. Even we remember from health class that urethras are different from vaginas. Like, we get it: You don't have female anatomy, so you haven't had as much time to explore it. But like… you had plenty of opportunities to learn. Anyway, LGBT people in same-gender situations have a leg-up on straights, since we're usually messing around with people who share the same parts as us. We don't need a lesson on how to navigate our partner's anatomy because we have been staring at it in the mirror since we were twelve. Sure, there's always some level of exploration when becoming familiar with a new person's body, but the basics of our own anatomy are already ingrained in our brains. It makes it easier to know where to go and what to do there.
1 We're More Open To Parties Of Three
Another side effect of being predisposed to nontraditional intimacy is that we are more open to the pleasures of polyamory. It is not uncommon for a committed, successful, longtime LGBT couple to invite a third person into their bedroom to shake things up a bit. Of course, this is becoming more acceptable in the straight community as well, so we can now talk about it without any expectation of judgment. Polyamory (i.e. engaging in multiple romantic relationships at once) is still not as common in the LGBT community --- we tend to subscribe to the accepted model of monogamy when it comes to romantic relationships --- but every now and then we'll hear of the occasional successful throuple. And what comes with multiple partners? Multiple different experiences! Less boring nights in the sack! Better post-bang conversation! More TV shows in common!