He Popped the Question with a Horrendous Ring - What to Do
He may have popped the question, but what if the ring in the box is the ugliest one you've ever seen? Here's how to handle the situation.
He's brought you to the most romantic place possible and looks deep into your eyes. You can almost feel his love pouring out onto you. Before you know it, your romantic walk has turned into his romantic speech about how you make him a better man, how much you've changed him for the better, and before you know it he's on his knees, asking you to make him the luckiest man in the world.
And then BAM! The ugly ring!
You love this man with all your heart, and of course, you say yes, but now you're saddled with a ring you don't like and are forced to smile about it. Or are you? If you don't like the ring, should you keep silent or speak your mind?
Why you shouldn't speak up
I have been in this situation, and if I could go back and do things differently, I would. While I adore my bridal set, part of me wishes I had kept what he'd proposed to me with. This man chose a ring for me, knelt down on one knee and poured his heart out. The backlash of expressing yourself in this situation is crushing, on both ends, and may sour your engagement.
In my situation, as tactful as I tried to be, what came out was essentially the same: I don't like the look of this very expensive symbol of love that you bought me.
We'd agreed to keep our engagement a secret until I had the ring sized. I told him, literally outside the jewellery store before we were about to size it, that while I thought the ring was lovely, it wasn't my style. He was hurt, to say the least. We had an extended “secret” engagement on account of which I couldn't bring myself to ask him to go pick out a ring with me again.
On the one hand, why should you keep quiet about something when it doesn't suit you? As a woman, you dream about showing off your engagement ring to your friends, family, and associates. I wasn't lying: the ring he bought was absolutely lovely, but it just wasn't me. I couldn't imagine showing it off with the gusto and excitement our engagement deserved.
It is one of the most selfish things to do and trust me, you will feel like a spoiled brat for a long time.
How I ended up souring my engagement
The ring isn't everything, but it is something. It may even be a big enough something to make your engagement feel like you have to walk on eggshells whenever the ring is mentioned.
#1 A jewelry store horror show. Once you say you want to exchange it for another ring, you will find out three things:
# You will know exactly how much he spent.
# Picking out a ring is freakishly hard.
# Your sales associate is going to think you're a jerk.
In fact, when exchanging my ring we ended up getting the same associate who helped my husband pick out the ring, and she brazenly asked: “So you didn't like it? He had a hard time picking one for you.” This obviously made me feel even worse.
Luckily after I chose my ring, the associate was quick to add: “The set you chose was actually the one he was struggling with over the one he ended up choosing!” This made me feel a little bit better. Still, if you're thinking it's going to be all fun and games picking out your ring together, it won't be. It will be awkward, tense, emotional, and you'll want it over with as soon as possible.
#2 Keep his feelings in mind. This one's a no-brainer, and if you're in this situation, then you know pretty much all you're thinking about is his feelings and how to get around this sticky situation. Remember that men get very little, in reality, out of the wedding situation. The only thing he really gets is an expensive party, sharing his last name with you, and the absolute joy of having you as a wife. Likely it will be you who gets to plan the wedding. His only part in the makings of this is choosing the ring, and popping the question.
Remember that he *likely painstakingly* looked through dozens of rings at a jewellery store, found this sparkling gem that he thinks is beautiful, and thought of you. He looked at this ring and thought of you.
#3 Beware of the sour engagement. So you've bit the bullet and told your guy: “This ring isn't my style, do you mind if we pick one out together?” and now you're waiting on his reaction. If you have a completely understanding, laid back guy who just smiles with wit and gives a playful roll of his eyes, all you'll hear from him is, “Sure thing babe.” If so, you're an extremely lucky woman for saying yes to this awesome specimen of manliness!
For the rest of us, your guy is probably going to feel crushed, like he failed the only part of the pomp and ceremony that belonged to him. Likely this will put a bit of a damper on the beginning of your engagement, especially if he'd already shown his buddies or his family the ring he'd originally bought. Be prepared for this.
#4 “It's not about the ring,” they'll say. Many people will give you flak for saying something about the unwanted ring. They'll tell you that in the end it's not about the ring, it's about the man who loves you asking you to spend eternity with him. How can anything else matter? In your heart of hearts you know they're right, but when you look down at the ring you know you can't be silenced…
What to do if you really must say something
Sometimes, you just can't stand the fact that you'd be obligated to wear an ugly ring on your finger. Here's what you should do when you absolutely must speak up about it.
#1 Tell him AFTER the proposal high. There's no easy way to tell the man you love that you hate his ring choice. If you must do so, be sure to tell him well after he's proposed. Definitely do not tell him the same day that he's popped the question.
#2 Be kind. When you spill the beans about your feelings for the ring, be as kind as you possibly can. Don't tell him you hate it, don't tell him it's ugly, or make fun of him for his selection. Tell him it's simply not your style, or that you'd always dreamed of X type or ring, or that you had wanted to go pick out rings together.
#3 Get it over with. If you're going to pick another ring, get it over with as soon as possible, so you can get back to enjoying your engagement.
#4 Don't tell people. If possible, don't share your story with your friends or family. They don't need to hear about your ring rejection, and your fiancé doesn't need to be embarrassed publicly.
If you absolutely must say something about your ring, then do what you have to do, but if you can live with it, then I strongly suggest you do. After all, in 5 years you can scoop up an anniversary engagement ring and this will all be water under the bridge.
In the end, a beautiful diamond ring isn't worth the hurt feelings involved with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why look back on your engagement as a time when you hurt your mate's feelings, instead of a wonderful occasion celebrating love?
