15 Ways To Avoid Being Just Another Rebound

Being somebody's rebound really sucks. What's a rebound? It's the relationship that you get in to after breaking up with someone else. The person doesn't take the time they need to get over their previous relationship and just jump in to a new one. We're all guilty of this. We think that getting in to a new relationship will make us feel better. We think a new person will help us get over our ex faster. However, these rebound relationships often don't work out well for either person. The motives usually aren't great and the relationship gets off on the wrong foot.

Most of us have been on both sides of a rebound relationship, and it's never fun. Usually it's stressful, painful, and maybe even heartbreaking. Trying to be with someone who isn't over their ex makes us feel like we're not good enough. Trying to be with someone new when we're not totally over our ex is just as painful.

The best thing to do is to avoid rebound relationships altogether. Breaking up hurts and it can make us feel lonely, but looking for someone new and tangling them up in our messy emotions won't help. And it's not fair to them. Unfortunately, healing takes time and a new relationship is likely to fail unless we take the time to heal. If you're really in to someone who just got out of a relationship, it's worth waiting to make sure you get their full attention. So, how can you avoid getting into a rebound relationship or being someone else's rebound?

15 Be supportive, but set boundaries

So, your best guy friend just got out of a relationship. He's really torn up and he's looking for some comfort, and he's looking for it from you, his lady BFF. And you're more than happy to be there for him because that's what friends do. Be a shoulder to cry on and offer advice as appropriate, but be sure to set some good boundaries.

A lot of women become their best guy friend's rebound girl. The emotional connection and trust is already there, which makes you the perfect target for all of his post breakup feels. When he does share with you and you do comfort him, the emotional connection deepens and the boundaries can get blurry.

You may both get caught up in all the feels and fall for each other. This is especially true if either of you has had feelings for each other in the past. To avoid being his rebound, make sure that you make it clear that you two are just friends.

14 Don't jump when he hits you up

If you're seeing a guy who just got out of a relationship chances are that he's pretty needy. He's used to having all of his emotional needs met by someone and he's used to always having someone around. Chances are, he's going to hit you up, a lot. This will probably feel really good. We all love getting attention from guys, especially new guys.

But resist the urge to jump every time he hits you up. Rebound relationships usually arise out of a need to replace what was lost. You're not a replacement for his ex and you shouldn't be expected to meet his needs in the same way she did. If he's texting you all day long, it's fine to tell him to cool it down. Ease in to the relationship and move at your own pace.

13 Don't answer that middle of the night call/text

Unless there's an emergency there's literally only one reason that a guy calls or texts in the middle of the night. If he was just in a relationship, he's used to getting some on a pretty regular basis. If he's looking to get over his ex, he's probably looking to get some from someone else.

If your phone rings late at night and it's him, let it go to voicemail. If you get that, “You up?” text, just don't respond to it. If he really wanted to talk to you, he'd talk to you before you're in bed. If he wants to hang out, you can hang out during non-bedtime hours. Remember that you're not there to replace what he lost and if that's all he's looking for then you should walk the other way. While giving him the finger.

12 Be aware of how he's processing his feelings

Breaking up means a lot of feels. In our culture guys aren't really taught how to deal with or process their feelings. They're told to stuff their feelings, to ignore them, to just get over them. Guys are really unfamiliar with being vulnerable, so being vulnerable makes them really uncomfortable.

Guys often try to “fix” their feelings through action. They work out a lot. They go out with their buddies. They pursue another woman. Instead of attacking the feelings head on, they try to go around them. This is where the rebound girl comes in. She becomes the “fix” for his feelings.

You may even want to “fix” him. Hear this now: you cannot “fix” his feelings. Being his rebound girl will just mix things up more. Try to disengage from his messy feelings from his breakup and encourage him to work through those feelings before he pursues a relationship with you.

11 Don't trash his ex

It's really tempting to trash our new guy's ex, especially if we knew them. It may feel like you're helping to say things like, “You were too good for her,” or “She sounds like a psycho,” or “You're so lucky you dodged that bullet,” but you're not actually helping. All you're doing is keeping the conversation on his ex rather than helping him move on and focus on you. If you don't want to be the rebound girl then you need him to move on from his ex before he's with you.

You're also tearing down another woman without her even knowing. Women are taught to compete with each other, especially over men. We're taught to pull each other down instead of build each other up. Break the cycle. As much as you might want to talk trash on his ex, just don't.

10 Shut him down if he's talking about his ex too much

If he's still talking about his ex all the time, then he's not ready for a new relationship. And if he's making moves on you, but still talking about his ex all the time, then he's trying to make you his rebound girl.

Shut him down when he wants to reminisce about his ex. Remind him that you're not here to sit around and talk about her, you're here to get to know him. Also make it clear that you're not willing to get in to anything serious until he's totally over his ex.

If he continues to be hung up on his ex, back off until he's had more time to get over it. Even if he gets together with another woman instead of you, at least you're not getting stuck in the drama of trying to one up his ex. You're worth more than that.

9 Keep in mind what you really want

When you start hanging out with a guy who just got out of a major relationship, it's really important to take some time to think about what you want. Do you want to be in a serious relationship with this guy? Are you just looking to have a little fun?

No matter what you want, always keep it in mind when you're interacting with him. One of the worst things about being a rebound is when your expectations for the relationship are not met. If you go in to it thinking that he's looking for something real and he's just looking to get off and get over his ex, you're in for a world of heartbreak. If you're looking for something casual but he's looking for a real connection to replace his old relationship, you'll end up hurting him.

Be true to yourself and what you want above everything else.

8 Don't swoop in

It's always a good idea to take it slow when getting in to a new relationship, but this is particularly true if you're his first after a major breakup. It may be tempting to get in there and scoop him up before another woman gets to him. This is especially true if you've been friends with the guy for a while and you know what a catch he is.

But it's almost always a bad idea to swoop in right after a relationship is over. You may think that it'll be different and you won't be his rebound, it'll be better than that, but that almost never happens. If you move too quickly all of his feelings will still be confused and he may not be able to discern how much he really likes you. The relationship may start really well but fizzle quickly when he has time to process.

If he's really worth it, he's worth waiting for.

7 Don't spend all your time with him

Getting close to someone right after a breakup is tricky territory. He's chock full of emotions that he doesn't know what to do with. When he sends those feelings your way it can be really intense and passionate. It can be really exhilarating. You may both get caught up in the excitement and newness of this budding relationship and want to be around each other all the time.

Getting too involved too fast is always a recipe for disaster. If you start investing all your time in him, you'll begin to lose yourself. When that happens, you'll just want to please him and you'll start making decisions that aren't authentic to you. When the initial passion wears out and you both realize that you're the rebound girl, you'll be in too deep to get out without getting hurt.

Enjoy hanging out with him, but take a lot of space too.

6 Don't sleep with him too soon

There are some people who can handle one night stands or friends with benefits situations and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You do you and have a ton of fun. For the rest of us, sex adds a new level to a relationship that makes things more complicated. This is especially true for guys who have just gotten out of a relationship. There's all those feelings floating around and as much as he may want to sleep around to get over his ex, he may not be capable of doing this without getting all twisted up.

Adding sex to the equation too soon can cause all sorts of problems. Sleeping with you may make him realize that he's not ready and he might ditch you. Or he might realize that he does want to move on, but not with you. If you don't want to be his one night rebound, save the sex for later.

5 Don't up the emotional intimacy too quickly

Sex isn't the only way to get too intimate too quick. Sometimes getting really emotionally intimate with someone really quick is just as precarious. Hanging out with a guy who's newly single can provide a great opportunity to get to know someone really well. They may want to talk about their feelings a lot, and this vulnerability may lead them to share things with you that they normally wouldn't. Getting this level of emotional intimacy from a guy can make you want to share too.

Lots of sharing in the early stages of getting to know each other can create the false impression that you're closer than you actually are. This can lead you both to fall hard for each other, only to find out later that you don't like each other as much as you thought you did.

Don't be afraid to get to know the guy, but don't give him your all right away, and don't take his.

4 Keep living your life

Guys who are just getting out of relationships are looking for something from you. It sounds cold, but it's true. They're looking for a new relationship or they're looking to get some or they're looking for someone to take care of them and handle all their emotions. Whatever it is they're looking for, they want you to drop everything and give it to them. That's what a rebound girl is all about: meeting his needs.

Well F that. Girl, you've got better things to do. It may be tempting to give him whatever it is he wants, but if you do you're not building a solid foundation for a future relationship. Don't drop anything for him. See him when you see him and do whatever it is you do when you're not seeing him. Let him know now that he won't ever be your whole life.

3 Give him time

Sometimes there's no good way to have a relationship or even hang out with a guy who just got out of a relationship. There's just too much going on and getting tangled up in that mess will only hurt both of you. If that's the case then you need to back off and give him time to heal. This is often the last thing you'll want to do, especially if you're really in to him, but trust me, it's for the best. Some people really need to be single for a long time before they can move on from their previous relationship.

Once he's had time to heal and sort out his emotions, he'll be able to give you his full attention, which is what you want. No matter how badly you want to be with him, you don't want to be the woman he's with while he's still hung up on his ex.

2 Believe that you should be more than a rebound

Women are taught to believe that they should be satisfied with any attention men are willing to give them. Many women have very low self esteem and they try to feel better about themselves by seeking attention for men. They don't believe that they are worthy of healthy relationships with men who treat them well. These women end up as rebounds all the time. No matter how much it hurts, they think they deserve to be rebound girls.

You do not deserve to be a rebound girl and you need to believe this in order to not become one. You may feel like if you don't jump now you'll miss the opportunity. Or you might feel like you won't mind being a rebound, when deep down you know you do.

If a guy senses that you're down to be a rebound, he'll take advantage of that. Do yourself a favor and believe that you deserve more.

1 Trust your gut

Women have really great intuition. We get these feelings about situations and we just know what's up. The problem is that we're taught to ignore our intuition. We're taught that our intuition is irrational and we shouldn't trust what it's telling us. This is total BS. If you really think about a situation, you know what's right for you.

So, if you think that you're his rebound girl, sit with that feeling. Ask yourself why you feel that way. Most importantly, pay attention to how your stomach feels when you ask yourself if you're his rebound. If your stomach gets all tied up in knots, pay attention to that. That's your intuition telling you that the situation isn't right for you.

If you don't want to be his rebound girl, check in with your intuition often. If something doesn't feel right, it's time to move on.

Getting close to someone who just got out of a relationship always sets up the risk of being a rebound. You can avoid this by setting appropriate boundaries and always putting yourself first.