How to Be an Asshole 70 Key Ingredients of Assholious Maximus

Knowing how to be an asshole comes more naturally to some than others. If you practice these 70 horrible behaviors, you will be at least half way to asshole.

What is an asshole? Unlike other words in the English language, asshole doesn't have any Greek or Latin roots, like assholious maximus. Nope, an asshole is called one because it is the foulest part of one's body. If you want to know how to be an asshole, then you probably aren't one.

The way to knowing how to be an asshole is to not give a shit about anyone or anyone else's feelings but one's own. A super easy way to live, you say what you want, do what you want, and walk all over people = definition, asshole.

If you are like me, walking around trying not to offend anyone, hurt anyone's feelings, and help old ladies with groceries into their cars, the art of knowing how to be an asshole isn't going to come without some hard work on your part.

How to be an asshole fast - 70 little ways to go to Assholious Maximus

If, however, you tire of being stepped on, ignored, passed over, looked past, or generally the butt of some other asshole's jokes, these are the key ingredients to said assholious maximus.

#1 Say whatever you feel like saying.

#2 Make fun of the disabled, the poor, the homeless, anyone who is less than you.

#3 Treat everyone like they are less than you.

#4 Take the last piece of everything without asking.

#5 See someone down and kick them again just for kicks. 30 traits that make someone a really shallow person

#6 Cut everyone off and get there fast.

#7 Don't replace the toilet paper. The next person is on their own.

#8 “Borrow” things without ever intending to return them.

#9 Always forget your wallet. Hey, you've got it next time.

#10 Leave without someone. If they run late, f*ck them.

#11 Ghost someone just 'cause you can.

#12 Steal someone's significant other.

#13 Always make fun of the least person in the group.

#14 Point out everyone's faults, like right out in public.

#15 Use your vape pen anywhere you want… it is just vapor, right?

#16 Make fun of someone's mom.

#17 Always leave the car on empty.

#18 Puddle splash people on the curb… it is so funny to watch their faces, isn't it?

#19 Go like 20 miles under the speed limit, no one is going to rush you!

#20 Slam on your brakes at high speeds because someone drives too close.

#21 Empty the milk or orange juice carton and put it back.

#22 Say you don't want to go somewhere and then bitch about not being invited.

#23 Use social media as your own personal roast fest.

#24 Tell someone their new girlfriend is fugly.

#25 Borrow someone's shoes and don't wear socks.

#26 Do something super destructive while a friend is passed out drunk, like permanent inking or shaving them.

#27 Overstay your welcome at someone's house by like months.

#28 Think that wherever you undress is where your clothes should stay until someone else cleans them up.

#29 Don't close up the cheese before you put it in the refrigerator.

#30 Make a sandwich in the middle of the night and leave everything out to spoil.

#31 Ash your cigarettes anywhere you feel like it.

#32 Make sure to get your “friend” overserved on their bachelor's party, so they get in a whole lot of trouble or end up single.

#33 Don't text someone back. You're too busy for that nonsense.

#34 Always have to one up everyone, like everyone.

#35 Never send your kids with any money when other parents take them to fun events… don't even offer!

#36 When you bump into someone, don't you dare ever say “sorry” or “excuse me.”

#37 Always put your own needs above others, like always and no matter who, you come first, baby.

#38 Take the last cold beer.

#39 Use up all the hot water by taking hour showers or filling the bathtub when you know that your roommates have to be at work too.

#40 When you get into trouble just tell everyone your name is your best friend's name.

#41 Drop your kids and say you'll be right back and not come back until after midnight.

#42 Pee all over the seat, who cares who sits in your bodily fluids, that is on them.

#43 Never go down on the person who goes down on you.

#44 Someone else flies while they buy, thanks, dude!

#45 When someone tells you they love you, you say “thank you.”

#46 Pee in the hot tub when the bathroom's around the corner.

#47 Don't wipe down the fitness equipment even when supplied cleaner.

#48 As a girl, you know girls are waiting in line for the bathroom, you take the time to do your makeup, clean your face, check your profile and wait out the time… while leaving pee on the seat behind you.

#49 Speed up to get an empty parking space knowing someone waited forever.

#50 Leave you shopping cart next to your car. When someone else pulls into the same space, they scratch the hell out of their car door, even if the cart return is two spaces down.

#51 Sneak in front of someone on the elevator. You're in a hurry, they have time to wait.

#52 Mix shoe boxes with two different sizes because your feet are one size apart. Sorry, next client.

#53 Steal someone's phone charger, they probably have another one.

#54 Steal a funny t-shirt from someone else. They won't notice, right?

#55 You can't just sit down and enjoy the go, you must maneuver yourself by hovering over the toilet seat. Guess what, you can't get shit off a seat, so sit down and relax, so I don't have to wear your urine all night long.

#56 Steal all the batteries out of the remotes to use for your video game controllers.

#57 Screw the top off of the salt shaker at the restaurant, nothing funnier than making someone's dish super salty.

#58 Leave a two percent tip because you drank too much and didn't have the cash.

#59 Buy something at the store, take what you need out of the box, and then return it without saying a word, so someone else is left without what they need.

#60 Tape someone at their most embarrassing moment and then post it to social media.

#61 Chastise everyone in your life because you have finally gone on a diet… be an extra asshole and count their calories for them.

#62 Make someone carry a chain to go to the bathroom… . yep, thanks gas stations owners. If you didn't lock the door, we would all be fine.

#63 Never take responsibility for your child's behavior. They are always perfect.

#64 Send nasty grams instead of just saying “I'm mad.”

#65 Be passive aggressive, be-e-e passive aggressive.

#66 Say you can't chip in for something and then come home with a new toy for yourself.

#67 Try on someone's pants and ask… what the hell size are these? XXL! Then hold them out like a weight loss commercial.

#68 When you walk in a room, only acknowledge your besties, the rest are insignificant anyway.

#69 Ask how old someone is and when they answer say “no way, you are way older than that.”

#70 Ask someone out on a date and expect them to pay for the pleasure of being with you.

Being an asshole is not something that you just happen upon. It is fostered and practiced and perfected. If you want to know how to be an asshole, the truth is that you probably are at times and don't know it.

Some people walk through life narcissistic and asshole-ish. You don't want to be them, trust me. You can be less kind if you want, but it probably won't make you happier. If you ask how to be an asshole, you aren't one, so stop trying to be one.