Dealing with a Partner's Unemployment Dos and Don'ts

In an age where nothing comes free, unemployment is one of the worst situations to be in. So what should you do if your partner is in that situation?

When seeking a partner, we tend to gravitate toward those who are gainfully employed, or are at least taking major steps in that direction. However, even the best of us fall down sometimes, and at some point, you may be faced with a situation in which your previously successful partner ends up unemployed.

While some people might choose to run at this stage of the game, leaving their significant other to pick up the pieces of their life on their own, it's likely that most of us would desire to stay and work through the tough times with our partners. Clearly, the most important thing is ensuring that your partner finds employment again, so you two can continue building up your lives together.

That being said, you can't completely go nuts about their job loss and take on the role of full-time career counselor for them. In fact, this may hinder your partner's job search, and eventually make them view you with disdain.

What to do if your partner is suddenly unemployed

If you want to learn how to effectively deal with a partner's unemployment so that they're happily back in the workforce as soon as possible, with you still by their side, check out the following dos and don'ts.

#1 Do help them look for another job. Don't become that scary slave driver who blasts their boyfriend or girlfriend with alerts from sites like monster.com and indeed.com all day, or signs them up for daily workshops at the local career center. By doing so, you'll just get on their nerves.

Nevertheless, you don't want them to miss out on job opportunities that could be perfect for them, so feel free to direct their attention to the greatest-sounding ads once in a while. Do tell people in your circle that they're looking for work, but don't make it sound like they're desperate, since a desperate candidate is almost always seen as inferior to one who is not.

#2 Don't be on their case all the time. Once you start helping your partner with their job search, don't constantly hassle them about it. After you hand off an ad to them, consider it their responsibility to deal with, and don't ask them whether they've sent off their resume or pester them to follow up. As an adult, they likely know just as much about looking for a job as you do, and sometimes, slow and steady really does win the race.

#3 Don't expect them to find another position right away. With the increasing popularity of the online application process, it may take weeks for a job seeker to have their application. Since there are often tons of applicants for every job advertised, it may even take a person months to stumble upon a company that wants to make them an actual offer. Taking these things into account, realize that your partner may take a year or even two to find a new position, especially within a specialized field.

#4 Do give them a kick in the pants if they're not looking at all. There is one situation in which it may be acceptable to nag your partner a bit about unemployment. If you know that they're sitting around playing video games all day, and haven't so much as emailed their resume to a company in weeks, asking them what's up may not be a terrible thing.

They may be experiencing some emotional issues that they haven't mentioned to you, or they could just be getting lazy, which means they might require a semi-parental nudge in order to get moving again.

#5 Don't openly blame them for their unemployment. These days, when someone gets laid off, it's often due to budget cuts or restructuring, and it's not the person's fault, even if they haven't been the perfect employee at all times. Therefore, don't say things like “If you hadn't been late so often, you might still work there,” or “If you'd finished that big project faster, your boss would have been happier with you.”

Statements like that are useless, as it's not like these remarks will get your partner their job back. If they were actually fired for a major slip-up that they should take the blame for, don't go on and on about this, either. They likely feel bad enough about screwing up themselves, and have heard enough from their boss about their big mistake to last a lifetime.

#6 Do be emotionally supportive. After your partner has lost their job, they may begin to suffer from depression and anxiety about the future. Whatever you do, don't tell them that they're just being ridiculous. If you can't manage their issues on your own, direct them to the proper people, such as counselors and therapists, who can help them get back into a positive frame of mind.

#7 Do expect them to get a job that allows them to pay the bills. If you and your partner live together, you likely have certain expenses that you need to cover on a monthly basis, so you'll need to keep up a certain household income in order to pay those bills. Unless you're fine with downsizing, your partner will therefore need to search for a job in that particular income range.

If they're a former CEO, and you have a six-bedroom house, hearing that they want to take up a position at the local ice cream joint may be a cause for concern. For couples who don't live together, this is less important, but if you're worried that your boyfriend or girlfriend won't be able to pay their bills with their new paycheck, you may want to tactfully say something.

#8 Don't expect their salary and hours to be ideal. While in most cases, going from CEO to ice cream scooper doesn't make sense, often people have to start off their time at a new job by making a tad less than they were making at the previous one. Being a newbie, they may also have to work some unfavorable shifts.

Do your partner a favor and don't complain about a small pay cut and some strange hours, since if they work effectively, they will find that they'll rise to a higher status within the company in no time, and that normally goes hand in hand with better hours and a bigger paycheck.

#9 Do be as affectionate as usual. Chances are, you might be a bit annoyed with your partner for losing their job and throwing a curveball into your stable lives, but remember that in all likelihood, they didn't want this to happen, so you shouldn't let your irritation get in the way of your love for them.

Keep up the same routine of verbal and physical affection, whether that's saying “I love you” on a daily basis, giving back rubs, or sending romantic texts, and this will keep the spirits of the both of you up as you navigate through this difficult situation.

#10 Don't connect sex to the level of success your partner experiences. If your partner gets a call back from a prestigious organization, you may be tempted to reward them with an extra-loving night in the bedroom. On the other hand, if their job search is full of rejections, you may feel like rebuffing their advances in bed, thinking that sex should be withheld when they're not meeting certain standards in life. This tends to occur more often when the unemployed partner is a man.

However, a person's sex life and career are two very distinct things, and neither should move along in relation to the other. If your partner thinks that they need to be able to “bring home the bacon” in order for you to enthusiastically sleep with them, they may start to feel used and objectified.

Dealing with unemployment is difficult for both partners within any twosome. If you can get through a situation like this with your significant other though, your relationship will be much stronger in the long run. To do so, the unemployed partner must put their best foot forward when it comes to their job search, while the employed one must recognize that the market is tough out there and that their boyfriend or girlfriend is doing the best they can.

If you're currently dealing with a partner's unemployment, and it's frustrating you, take stock of some of your partner's best characteristics and remind yourself of them when you wake up every day. If your relationship is meant to be, this should give you enough of a boost to keep you moving positively forward, until your life with your partner gets back on the employment track.