15 Things Only People With Commitment Issues Will Understand
Do you ever get that feeling when you meet someone and you think 'wow this person is amazing?' But then you go out with them and while the first date may have been great, you start to analyze over the fact that that person might expect a second date and your anxiety kicks in. You want to run, you don't know why but all you feel is that there is too much pressure and you have to get out.
If you are the type of person that struggles with commitment issues on the daily, just know that you are definitely not alone. It is a scary thought thinking that you might be stuck with someone for the rest of your life, that you may be into them now but what happens months or years from now. It doesn't really matter whether you have had your heart broken so many times that you instantly become guarded over anyone or you just really don't like labels when it comes to relationships; truth is, most of us have some way or another have dealt with the struggle of committing.
And let's be honest here, commitment can definitely seem terrifying and irrevocably confining when you are the type that is considered a "free-spirit." Truthfully, it is an all-consuming fear that many of us cannot shake it no matter how hard you try. It makes you think that you are the problem when it isn't you necessarily-- it's your fear. You may look at life and enjoy the freedom-- no one wants to lose their freedom and what those who have commitment issues forget is that you don't lose your freedom just because you're in a relationship. Often, your fear comes from not wanting to hurt anyone with your commitment issues, and another part of you does not want to get hurt by them either. So you keep this comfortable distance, hoping everything will work itself out. Here are 15 things only people with commitment issues will understand:
15 You're not about the relationship 'label' life
Relationships freak you out-- you want someone but you fear that you might change your mind about the way you feel or worse, you might get hurt in the process. So you avoid labels at all cost because you believe if you don't get serious with someone then you won't get hurt. In some ways, you are a serial dater, you meet guy after guy and often you do catch feelings for them but over time you change your mind. The closer he starts to get to you the more you don't want to be with him. In your mind, you feel that the moment you put a label on the relationship, people change. You believe that things will fall apart by some label. To you, a relationship label comes with expectations and you fear that you or your potential partner won't live up to these expectations resulting in a breakup. By avoiding relationship labels you save yourself from expectations-- you are free to do whatever you want while still obtaining the idea of a relationship. It is like keeping the thing you want the most at a comfortable distance, without expectations you won't be disappointed. Labels just give you the illusion that you will only end up in disappointment.
14 You get scared when a guy gets too close, too soon
When someone gets too close to you, your initial reaction is to run. It isn't that they did or said anything-- it is simply they are getting too close, too soon and that freaks the daylights out of you. You want so badly to be with someone but every time a guy shows any interest that is far more than you could ever feel-- you freak out and feel the need to end things. You sabotage every potential relationship the moment they get too close. You would rather keep a comfortable distance than to lose yourself in the relationship. You know that the moment you surrender your feelings, your heart to them-- they have the power to easily destroy you and that is something you are not ready to risk. The less they know about you the likelihood that no one will get hurt-- the closer they get the more likely you will run. You don't give them the chance to fall in love with you because you are too afraid of the potential heartbreak. Little does one know, by doing this you are actually breaking your own heart.
13 Talking about the future freaks you out
You are the type of person to live in the moment, therefore when you are dating someone and they start to talk about the future-- instant red flags come to mind. You cannot fathom the idea of the future-- as it totally freaks you out. You don't want to feel a thing, you don't like making plans and you don't like thinking about the future. You lack the ability to commit-- whether it is relationships or life, you don't want to make the decision that could affect your future in ways you didn't want to happen. You instantly go into a total panic the moment someone asks you about the future. You realize that you have to have some idea of what is going to happen and you don't want to think about that. You hate plans, you don't like living in the past but you don't want to think about the future-- all you want to do is live in the present. You want to enjoy what is happening now. You have self-prescribed anxiety and believe that there are deep-rooted issues that cause you to have commitment issues or which create the anxiety that causes you to end things before they have a chance to begin.
12 You are all about spontaneous plans and living in the moment
You believe that life should be exciting-- you are probably in a place in your life where you crave spontaneous plans and you live for living in the moment. You believe you do not have time for commitment as you are too busy; whether it is focusing on yourself, work, or just life in general-- you make excuse after excuse why you cannot commit when in reality if you truly wanted to you have all the time in the world. You have a competitive nature in you, you long for the pursuit of--what we call "something better". You believe you can always do better, which in some cases is an excellent mindset to have, but in this case not so much. You are unsatisfied with every suitor you meet, and you instantly find something wrong with them. You want to just enjoy life and not have to commit to anything. You don't want to regret anything, as your favorite word is "fun". Whether it's by traveling, a new career path, a new significant other, or even a change in lifestyle-- you are just along for the ride and don't want to waste another minute committing to anything.
11 You fear introducing the guy you're dating to your family and friends because you don't think it will last.
You tend to keep the guy you are dating incognito. You fear that if you introduce him to your friends and family and then things don't last it would be really difficult for you. You won't introduce him to your family or friends because you fear that if they end up really liking him and what if you change your mind and end up not liking him-- you also fear that they will hate him and you will eventually break up with him because they mean more to you than he does. Because you are so afraid of things not lasting, you would rather keep who you are seeing a secret-- you feel that the only time you would choose to introduce him is if things were to get really serious. But in order for things to get serious, you would have to truly commit-- which is something you clearly lack the ability to do so. You feel that you will end up disappointed so you would rather keep him to yourself than to involve your family and friends in a guy that you haven't quite decided how you really feel.
10 A friend will ask you something along the lines of “So what's happening with you and [X]”, and you'll immediately break out in a cold sweat.
You hate it when your friends ask you about a guy you are seeing-- sometimes you just want to live in the moment and not think about labels or exclusivity. You instantly feel pressured to make the relationship evolve that when your friends ask you about the new guy and how things are going you break out into a cold sweat. It is like someone asking you about the future-- you suddenly see them all planning double dates, all the events to invite him to, adventures, couple things, anniversaries, weddings-- all these thoughts pop into your head and you totally freak out. You don't know how to control it, but the idea of being stuck with one person for the rest of your life totally makes you freak out-- you hate it when they ask you all these questions like; "what are you guys?" or "Have you two had the exclusivity talk?" or "do you like him?"-- you just want to run away from any pressure. You feel that a relationship is a HUGE commitment, one that you aren't sure if you are ready for.
9 You enjoy being independent, and you don't want anyone else to define you
Being a free-spirit-- you know how much your freedom means to you. Therefore, you are not the type of girl that needs a man. You may want one, but you don't need him or anyone for that matter. You crave the feeling of being independent, of being able to do whatever you want and not having to answer to anyone. You are comfortable living life with zero commitments, no relationships, no one to tell you what to do-- but all those hookups you endure are just temporary fixes. Still, you enjoy your freedom too much to just give it all away. You absolutely hate it when women get into relationships and totally lose themselves, they allow the man to define them and that is something you refuse to do. You enjoy your independence so much, that you don't want anyone, especially a man, to define you. You know well enough that you are capable of making your own decisions, you are a strong and independent woman-- sure, it would be nice to have somebody to love but you aren't willing to leave your independence behind just yet-- hence, the reason committing is so hard for you.
8 You're all about the chase, but you begin to lose interest once the high wears off.
Everyone likes a challenge, but once you achieve whatever it is you are after-- it becomes boring. Especially for someone who has commitment issues. Every time you meet someone, even if you instantly feel a connection, you know well enough that that connection could easily go away. Being a woman with commitment issues you tend to be attracted to men that are so-called "unemotionally unavailable". You like men that aren't so easy to get-- what is the point of going after someone if they make the game too easy? You are the type that thrives over a chase-- but once the chase comes to an end you immediately lose interest. You chase after men who seem unavailable because it gives you an easy out-- you won't have to worry about committing because they already can't commit themselves. You enjoy the chase more than the actual catch. As long as they are a challenge for you, you will keep them around-- you keep them close enough to get all the benefits you need to feel satisfied and yet you don't have to fully commit. It is like killing two birds with one stone.
7 You've gotten your heart broken in the past, and you don't want history to repeat itself.
When someone hurts you, especially someone you felt so deeply about you feel as if you may never feel that way again. And often, you believe that you shouldn't ever love someone that much-- because in your mind, it is dangerous. So it goes back to your fear of commitment, you keep your comfortable distance because you don't want history repeating itself. You don't want to ever get hurt again, if you don't commit to anyone you don't fall in love, therefore, they can't hurt you. Heartbreak can really shake a person up and often, make them lose faith in love, in relationships, in commitment all together. You believe that loving someone, letting them in was the biggest mistake you could make and so you refuse to ever make that mistake again. You feel vulnerable, which you hate-- as humans, we are pride species-- you refuse to allow yourself to let anyone in because you believe they will just hurt you or leave you disappointed. If you don't commit then you don't ever feel disappointed because you lack the ability to expect anything more or less from them.
6 You are bad at making a solid plan
Plans are overrated to you, you don't really believe in making a solid plan as you are terrible at doing so. You tend to feel that the moment you make a plan it gives the other person the ability and the power to disappoint you. You are the worst when it comes to making decisions-- you are so indecisive and a lot of it has to do with the fear of things not going the way you would like them to. If you don't make a decision or a solid plan then you have nothing to be disappointed about-- at least, that is your philosophy. You live your life accordingly, and you don't like to have expectations. Sometimes, all you feel like doing is running away from a plan you're not into, or from the guy you're dating who's way more invested in your relationship than you are. To you, plans just get in the way of life-- you want to live in the moment, and as mentioned before, you enjoy more spontaneous plans rather than actual set-in-stone type of plans. You live on the edge and plans are just another commitment you aren't willing to do.
5 You're attracted to the players because you're a bit of a player yourself.
Remember how I mentioned before, people with commitment issues fall for guys that are "emotionally unavailable"? Well, truth is, commitment issues and being emotionally unavailable go hand-in-hand. Often, when you fear commitment you go for people who lack the ability to commit too. Therefore, some women date players because they are always a bit of a player. Maybe you just prefer a no-strings-attached type of relationships, maybe you are a serial dater-- whichever way you spin it, the name is the same as in-- a player is still a player. It is as if, the more unavailable a guy is, the more you are going to like him-- which brings you back to the chase. You can never be satisfied with a nice guy-- because most of the time, the nice guy is not only going to treat you right but he also wants a commitment-- which of course, you don't know how to do so. So you date player after player, even if you often get your heartbroken-- at the same time, you are a bit of a player yourself. Your life motto seems to be "don't hate the player, hate the game."
4 You crave what you cannot have
We all want what we cannot have-- it is a vicious cycle at best. You see, if everything we ever wanted came easy we wouldn't want it as much. The truth is we are all creatures of habit and often we crave what we cannot have or we create a checklist in our heads of what we perceive as the "perfect" guy/relationship. Because of these checklists, we automatically set ourselves up for not wanting to commit. In your mind, you believe no one will ever be good enough, yet we chase after the things we can't have. Isn't it ironic how the ones we want never seem to want us back and the ones that want us, we never want them? Like mentioned before, it is a vicious cycle. To you, commitment seems a bit daunting and we make it seem that way time after time. Chances are, that "perfect" someone does not exist and you will be chasing after what you "cannot have" that you won't ever truly get for a very long time. They become "what you cannot have" for a reason if you were meant to have it or them then it would just happen.
3 You stress out over the smallest things
While you have a total fear of commitment, you have major anxiety. You pretty much analyze every little thing, you stress out over the smallest issue, and you don't even know why or how to fix it. You stress that you might like him too much and that he will break your heart, you stress that you will end up breaking his heart, you stress about how the relationship is going too fast or he is getting too close too soon. It doesn't matter how minor the issue is, you will dig so deep that you go into a full-blown panic attack over the issue. You think you have everything under control as if not being able to commit makes you invincible and then you hit a road block or reality hits and suddenly you are stressing over the smallest of things. You go back and forth on every situation, trying to understand why you have such issues which only makes you stress more. Wherever commitment goes, stress never follows far behind. At least, that is how it is in your book.
2 You're skeptical of the idea of "the one"
You don't really believe in the idea that there is such a thing as "the one". You do believe you can have multiple soulmates, but to truly find the one isn't something you believe in. It has a lot to do with the fact that you have commitment issues. You firmly believe that just because you are attracted to someone or feel some mighty connection does not mean that you feel the need to settle down with them. Perhaps your standards are so high that it is impossible for anyone to seem dateable in your eyes. You listen to your friends discussing how they have met "the one" and you honestly become skeptical. You don't doubt that it is possible to love someone but you just don't understand the concept of "the one". In your mind you question it, you think, "how do you know someone is the one?", you wonder how can you know for sure that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with when you barely can make a decision on what shoes to wear.
1 You build up an emotional wall, and you rarely let anyone in.
With commitment issues comes the inevitable wall-- you build your wall so high that it is impossible for anyone to break it down. You refuse to fall for anyone for fear they might hurt you or you could hurt them. You rarely let anyone in, as your emotional wall is so incredibly high and thick it would take forever for anyone to break through. The likelihood that you have such a high wall is due to the fact that at some point in your life you had your heartbroken and you refuse that history to repeat itself, therefore, you built a wall to keep everyone out-- not just the bad guys but everyone. You fear that if you let your guard down that you would end up hurt and disappointed-- which are the last two things you ever want to happen. As long as your wall is up no one can hurt you. It is your defense mechanism.