15 Sure Signs He's A Narcissist

We like to think that we know how to spot 'bad' people. Because it is comforting to maintain a naïve perspective, we characterize 'bad' people as though we lived in a wild-west movie full of 'goodies' and 'baddies'. Bill Cosby, Woody Allen, Rolf Harris. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a medically recognized personality disorder, like schizophrenia and psychopathy. Between 5 and 10% of people are within the diagnosable spectrum for this extreme kind of narcissism. Although 'normal' people may exhibit aspects of narcissistic behavior, pathological narcissists can be distinguished from arrogant people by their dangerous lack of empathy. Narcissists also have a grandiose sense of self, but they operate TOTALLY differently from normal people. And this is what makes them SUPER hard to spot. The pathological narcissist in your life has an advantage in that you won't be looking for their particular brand of crazy, which is all about reeling you in and feeding vampirically off of you. EVERYTHING they do is about feeding their ego. But pathological narcissists rarely just brag about themselves. So that they can fit into normal society, get what they want, and continue using you, they have become skilled con artists. If a pathological narcissist is in your life, you will feel as though something is a bit off. You're not crazy. Respect your spidey senses, maintain healthy boundaries and give them the wide berth they deserve. So that you know the red flags when you see them, here are the sure signs that you're dating a pathological narcissist…

15 Love bombing

Right off the bat, the narcissist 'bombs' you with love. Constant, attentive communication and hundreds of compliments. They don't play any games, they can't get enough of you. Their lack of hesitation is very flattering, but should also ring alarm bells. They must fall in love often because they haven't had a chance to get to know (and love) you yet. Prince Charming will be on his very best behavior. It is the immediacy of this that makes it unreal. Because his apparent perfection is a façade, designed to reel you in. Why, if not because he craves love like we do? Everything narcissists do is to feed their ego, and they need a constant source of supply: you. Reassurance, attention, status, intimacy, money are the ego payoffs that they seek in their targets. And their ego is insatiable. They are often called energy or emotional vampires because they need to feed off of your energy. Spotting this early is key to avoiding their draining and damaging effect on your life. Note carefully how they make you feel - is there something unsettling about the intensity of your relationship with this fast friend? Unlike normal people, everything, including their relationship with you, is a game. It strokes their ego to elicit your attention and affection, because they need the compliments back. They might even pick a victim that they consider a hard target because it makes them feel more powerful to control such a person. They will access whether or not their con is working by whether they can make you show them unwarranted, unearned affection. Unlike normal flirtation, this is all a power play. If they can get you to reciprocate, they know that they have you under their control.

14 Rushing intimacy

All manipulative people do this. From the idealized, love-bombing phase, during which the victim is intoxicated by attention and reassurance, the narcissist quickly seeks to pin you down. The victim is overwhelmed by the incredible intensity and intimacy, which act like a drug. The narcissist will confide personal stories about themselves as a way to rapidly gain your trust. These personal stories will often contain a kernel of truth but be surrounded by lies. Their show of confidence will reel you in, and you are likely to reciprocate in kind and feel that you have established a bond. But actually, they are fishing for information to help them design the mask they will wear to inveigle their way into your life. From this position, they can easily become your parasite; 'all the better to control you, my dear'. This phase will be characterized by boundary crossings of all kinds, which help them to enmesh themselves into your life. Intimacy often becomes part of the relationship very fast. Another one is future faking: they are talking about getting married, they want to move in together. Joint bank accounts are around the corner. Narcissists don't love, so it's not that they don't love you. But they aren't interested in a relationship, they're interested in advancing their parasitic game. Rushing intimacy of all kinds is also a way of isolating you, and a typical sign of an abusive relationship.

13 They're really good at listening

Narcissists and other manipulative people will initially make you feel very heard. They want to know all about you. It's the Prince Charming dynamic again. But not because they care about you. It's hard for normal people to believe that narcissists truly don't care about anyone but themselves. Their goal is to suck you in, and for this they know they need to be on their best behavior. They are both enthralling and fascinated by you, hanging on your every word so that you lower your defenses. They will be experts in laying it on so thick that their attention is very hard to resist. Which is why it's not just 'stupid' people or un-grounded people who fall for their tricks: we all have a deep need to be heard and recognized. There's NOTHING wrong with that, it's human. It's just that the narcissist is ONLY motivated by their ego's insatiable needs and are talented emotional con artists. However, narcissists are also attracted to vulnerabilities, responding to chinks in your armor. It might be that someone in your life has contracted a serious illness, it might be that you are experiencing a bout of low self-esteem, or that you aren't assertive about your boundaries. In getting you to open up, their goal is not to bond with you, but to map your vulnerabilities. This lets them know how best to position themselves in order to infiltrate your life and take advantage of you.

12 They are Prince Charming

With all this deception going on, it's important to the narcissist that you DON'T recognize it's going on. Because they need you as their source of ego supply. So rather than getting paranoid, just keep in mind the old saying that 'if it seems too good to be true, it probably is', and test them for other red flags before committing too much energy and attention. Prince Charming's biggest giveaway is the level of PERFECTION that he is displaying. Everyone wants to impress potential romantic partners, but only the narcissist is TOTALLY committed to this game. They have devoted a lifetime to obtaining praise from everyone around them to feed their ego. Which means that they have made sure they are 'on paper' perfect. The world's greatest [insert here]. Sometimes they will surround themselves with friends and acolytes. They might also be very helpful. Sometimes covert narcissists take selflessness to an extreme and make grandiose philanthropic gestures. This seems the opposite of narcissistic, but it is in fact also about feeding their ego. Although we all have some ego (which is normal), the gestures of narcissists have a hollow quality. There is an element of unreality that you just can't put your finger on. They are emotional illusionists, like internet catfish. Because in reality, they don't care about others except as a source of ego satisfaction. So 'fairytale' relationships are a massive red flag.

11 Mirroring

Mirroring is a technique from the sales industry. Narcissists use it to try to get their victim to buy into what they are selling. Having gotten all your information, they will now act like a mirror and reflect back to you exactly what you want to hear. A certain amount of mirroring is a natural way of establishing rapport. You'll probably have heard about the way that people's body language syncs when they are communicating. But with the narcissist, this is total theater. They are exceptional actors because their sense of self is fundamentally different from a normal person's. Because they cannot love and lack both empathy and accountability, their behavior is also uninhibited by these qualities. Their affect is strangely flat, and they exist in a kind of emotional vacuum, which makes it easy for them to commit to any disguise they think will work. Their personality is malleable, and they adopt your style, opinion, values, and traits. They use everything that you have divulged about yourself to create this fallacious identity and further weaken your defenses. Narcissists get their name from Narcissus, a beautiful young man who, so the Greek myth goes, fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water, which he also fell into and drowned. You might feel sorry for narcissists' hollow existence, but remember, they won't empathize with you.

10 Fragmented, absent or censored relationships

Because of their behavior, the people in narcissists' lives don't stick around indefinitely. They are sapped dry and discarded or escape on their own. This also applies to family members, exes and close friends (of whom there are usually few). This creates some awkwardness for the narcissist, who has to account for their absence in a plausible way. Therefore, the narcissist will tell you that their ex/parent/sibling/boss is crazy/alcoholic/abusive or otherwise dysfunctional, painting themselves as either victim or hero in the situation. They will confide that this ex or another damaged significant relationship has launched a smear campaign of some kind against them. This story doesn't quite add up, and you have the feeling that there's more to it than they are telling you. But not knowing that they are a narcissist, you assume that they are a normal, honest person. Narcissists have a fundamentally different set of rules from those that normal people follow. It's natural for them to be economical with the truth and they are supreme romancers of it. So if you're thinking of pursuing a relationship with someone with this red flag, do your homework first, and remember that there are two sides to every story.

9 Flashes of inappropriate emotion

According to research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, such people are often characterized by deep anger, which is known as 'narcissistic rage'. Although the most fiery manifestations (violence, abuse) are often reserved until they feel they have you hooked, there are early signs like irritability and frustration to watch for. More dramatic abuse will often wait until the honeymoon period, or after the first or second child. Other emotional responses that can be inappropriate to their context involve crying, laughing and an ominous calm. Narcissists do not experience emotions like normal people, so look for emotions that don't fit the picture. An outpouring of grief for the loss of someone they didn't know, laughing hysterically at something upsetting or otherwise unamusing. Sometimes their calm in the storm capability makes them great at their jobs and earns them the praise of their colleagues. They may also cry crocodile tears like a four-year-old. There is always an end game: to soften you, to keep you hooked, to elicit affection or gain status. Though not everyone with facial and bodily ticks is a narcissist, sometimes narcissists' surreal personality manifests in this way, through excessive sweating or other responses that are inappropriate to the circumstances.

8 Poor financial management

Narcissists have a huge sense of entitlement. Along with their need for prestige and social recognition, the desire for (and possession of) status and wealth often feature in the narcissist's personality. Beyond overt ostentation in the form of excessively fancy things (cars, watches, a jet set lifestyle), they also exhibit blinding selfishness and are impulsive and reckless. This means that they can become involved in unethical, barely legal or entirely illegal business dealings. Like a toddler, as long as they get what they want when they want it, they are willing to compromise the wellbeing of others. They also gravitate towards people who can take care of them: narcissists are the ultimate mooch, even if they are wealthy themselves. They will try to get you to commit so that they can more easily use your resources. You'll have all the skin in the game, but they will be very reassuring. They will normally be irresponsible with money in some way or other and have no problem sponging off you.

7 Wild Side

Narcissists have a huge sense of entitlement, and because they are unconstrained by empathy, behave in impulsive, reckless ways. This is reflected in their personal lives. The transmission of STIs and unplanned pregnancies can be the consequences. However, being intimate with a narcissist can be an amazing, intense whirlwind because their entire lives are performances. They will devote all their energies to hooking their victims in with false intimacy and fairytale fantasy. This is very hard to resist because it is normal to have a need and desire for intimacy. They will use the intense physical connection to reaffirm the validity of their relationship with you, but this reality is carefully manufactured. You are being groomed. Because of their lack of empathy and desire for power and control, there can also be a very dark side to a narcissist's private life. They may consciously subvert their victims' boundaries and maneuver them into bedroom situations they are not comfortable with. Narcissism at its most insidious uses the empathy of its victims to siphon away their power to the extent where the victim is helpless, even becoming dependent on the narcissist. This can be extremely damaging and cause deep trauma to victims, who struggle to make sense of the situation itself, let alone the web of deceit that often surrounds it. Do not give these dangerous people the satisfaction they are structured to seek by thoroughly respecting your own boundaries.

6 A big ego

This is the big one. Too often mistaken for healthy self-confidence, a narcissist's ego is all-consuming. Truly confident people will make you feel confident too. A narcissist is dominated by a need to undermine others in order to puff themselves up. Also, unlike a normal person, who will experience self-doubt at times, a pathological narcissist thinks they can do no wrong (even when they patently have made a mistake). They will feel as though they deserve the earth and pursue all forms of status. Again, narcissists are talented con artists. Their carefully constructed appearances very often succeed in deceiving others, especially when the status they seek is societal validation. Not all by any means, but many of the people who society deems most 'successful' are in fact narcissists - whether covert or overt. It is the nature of a narcissist to be status-oriented, motivated purely by a thirst for power and the relentless pursuit of an immaculate public image. They might be model citizens, volunteering and even helping many people. But what makes these 'philanthropists' so dangerous is their motivation, which fundamentally lacks empathy. Everything a narcissist does is to get you to buy into their story, which makes them feel as though they have one up on you. While narcissists may tell grandiose tales that portray themselves as either victim or hero, they may well have found more efficient ways of deceiving and manipulating others.

5 They have no accountability

It's NEVER a narcissist's fault. They will go beyond normal boasting and yarn-spinning to espouse a victim/hero dynamic in any account of themselves. Normal, balanced people do not talk like this because they are able to introspect, and are affected by the people around them. Let's say someone is bragging about themselves. In a normal person, there will be an element of humility that is simply missing in the case of a narcissist. Because of narcissists' unnatural lack of self-doubt and complete emotional detachment, they frequently rise to the top of the pile, mercilessly treading on anyone who gets in their way. They will glorify in their success and achievements, and in any kind of conflict, will be quick to ascribe blame to others. Notice how often they play the victim in disagreements, and cast aspersions on other people, sometimes without discernible motivation. This is because they do not take accountability for their actions. They truly don't care, and would rather beg forgiveness than ask permission. Triangulations and playing one person off another is another typical scenario. Should you question their behavior, they will respond defensively, manipulating the story to shift responsibility away from themselves.

4 Chronic lying

All narcissists lie. But they don't lie for the same reasons that normal people do. Lying is their way of life. It feeds their ego to make you believe them and makes them feel smug, superior and intelligent. They may not even be entirely conscious of the small lies, which are second nature, in the same way that it is second nature for normal people not to lie. Bigger lies involve more manufacturing and are often elaborate beyond the level that a normal person would believe possible. This will lead to inexplicable inconsistencies and oddities in the narcissist's behavior around the lie, barriers that you are prevented from crossing lest you discover it, and a generally incoherent experience of the narcissist. This can heighten their allure because it makes them a mystery. Narcissists also lie for entertainment because they usually have a flattened affect and do not experience love. They also have to lie to save face (the most precious thing to a narcissist), because their public image is the key to their ability to manipulate. They will say whatever they need to say in order to do what they want to do.

3 They get you to introspect

With this many lies swirling around, you will start to question what's going on. You may also question yourself, and even your grasp on reality. The person with whom you felt such intimacy suddenly displays traits and behaviors wildly different from those that he or she once exhibited. Their behavior consistently doesn't line up. They may be hot and cold, and it's hard to reconcile the two sides of their personality. This is the corollary of the rushed intimacy and false self that they adopted to reel you in. But you are likely to be so invested in the narcissist and enmeshed with them that it feels as though you are losing it yourself. You may even experience panic attacks, exhaustion or feel the need to distance yourself from the people with whom you are closest because of the narcissist's hold on you. Maybe you are googling things or asking your friends' opinions to try to account rationally for this person's crazy behavior. If you are frantically trying to work out whether what's going on is a deal-breaker, remember that people in normal relationships do not question things to this extent. Trust is the basis of any healthy relationship. Listen to the feeling that there's something squirrely going on. This is your common sense speaking. Follow your inner GPS, and even when the narcissist tries to shake your confidence in your judgment, respect it.

2 Gas lighting

Gas lighting is a sophisticated and even ingenious manipulation technique. The manipulator tries to make their target doubt their grip on things and look to the manipulator for clarity. Undermining your personal power is the essential weapon in the narcissist's artillery. They will make you believe that the sun is the moon. The victim is extremely likely to accept the narcissist's story as reality because the truth just seems too crazy and appalling. Gas lighting is the way that narcissists maintain their hold on their hosts over time. They destabilize you and manage down your expectations of them. The level of normality inside the relationship sounds crazy to people outside the relationship. Silent treatment is another grooming technique that accompanies gas lighting. As a response to being challenged, they show the victim with icy silence that this is how challenges will be met. Accustomed to affection and a feeling of intimacy with the narcissist, the victim is suddenly twisting in the wind. The narcissist exerts ultimate power and control through disowning their host. Over time, this massively erodes victims' sense of reality and self-esteem. It's mad-making because you cannot reason with an irrational person. If you feel like you're questioning your sanity a lot, walking on eggshells, or going above and beyond to repair things, you're probably being gaslighted.

1 They move on instantly

The narcissist will end things with the flick of a switch and paper over your relationship with a new one. They are rarely single for any length of time because they require a narcissistic source of supply. Seeing everyone else as a source of supply and not a person, they don't need real commonality with people to enter 'committed' relationships with them. They don't bond with people, instead they attach onto them, moving seamlessly from one source of supply to the next. The odds are that their new partner has been around for a while. The narcissist will have ensnared them with lies too. The narcissist's relationship cycle runs: idealize, devalue, discard. This is very hard to bear when you bought into the idealization phase. But the fact is that healthy people don't operate like narcissists, to whom words and actions are cheap. It feeds their ego to evoke an intense reaction from you. They may well manufacture drama around the end of the relationship, for instance by picking a moment that is already upsetting in which to leave you hanging. Another soap opera move is not blaming you, but pretending that they are leaving you in the dust for noble reasons, perhaps to take care of a sick relative. Or they'll say that they don't deserve you, stealing even more of your energy with lines like "I'll think of you whenever I see hummingbirds", torturing you by referencing an 'intimacy' that only you experienced. For a while, they'll have been planting the seeds for the smear campaign they now launch against you, which will make YOU out to be the crazy one. So keep your eyes peeled, your boundaries healthy, and avoid these vampiric people!