15 Crazy And Unlikely Confessions From Female Inmates
Female prisons have become trendy thanks to the TV show Orange is the New Black. However, some things, in reality, are not exactly as the TV show portrays them to be. For example, an inmate would never be allowed to drive a van like in the TV show, and life there is not as comical. Things get pretty intense.
We're not just talking about the lack freedom here, but about many other aspects and things that we take for granted, like being able to blend in with the crowd, getting a friendly pat on the back by a friendly face, or having a good night sleep. Prison and jail are an entirely different universe, one that is controlled by strict rules and is populated by dangerous and sometimes innocent people who get quite an experience.
Some women managed to make the most out of their time in the can, and others simply waited for the storm out until they got released, but there are other accounts from inmates that would actually surprise you. Either way, after reading these 15 stories, you'll be thinking twice about ever committing a crime. Read on to find out how jail or prison can be very scary and unpleasant and how these women dealt with their situation:
15 Using Electric Shavers as Vibrators
“I got locked up in women's prison when I was 21. When you first get there, they ask if you're addicted to anything. If you said benzos or alcohol, they dosed you up with 4mg of Klonopin a day. Anyone who's been there before knows this, so for the first 2 weeks when I was in the drug treatment area (for other things, I didn't know about the Klonopin) things were very chill. There were a few verbal fights, but kind of a camaraderie between the women like, 'we're all just addicts trying to get through this together.' We had groups and AA, it was a daily thing for all (which was most except me) the women with children to break down crying about missing them and how they'd literally do anything for their kids now that they're sober. You were in a trailer with 2 floors. There were rooms with 4 bunks in them and a community bathroom with individual showers. Lots of hooking up in the bathroom stalls and showers. Something really weird, every few days they passed out electric shavers, there was one for each bunk and there would be a line of girls using these old shavers to dry shave their legs and stuff in the bathroom. Some of them would flip them and use the non-cutting side as 'toys'. Gross, I never even considered shaving. [… ]”
14 Dealing with Violent Inmates is the Worst
“Being stuck with all these aggressive people all the time that really was the worst part. Having no control whatsoever. I remember one time when I first got there, a woman attacked another lady at my table where we were eating. It happened so fast I was still sitting there when another girl had to pull me up and away from the fight. I saw why soon after because a different girl, who had nothing to do with it (like me), caught fist right to the face and had a broken eye socket or something. She was rolling on the ground screaming and crying until she got taken away by the COs to go to medical and then to segregation for fighting. I never saw her or the instigator of the fight again in my time there.
No one ever tried to fight or start anything with me, but I never gave them reason to. I stayed in my cell a lot of the time and just read and drew and wrote really long letters even when we were allowed out. I didn't talk about anyone in there, good or bad. I just tried to stay positive and listen more than I talked. I actually got the nickname Smiles even though I was probably the most depressed and anxious person there.”
13 Naughty Toys Made Out of Jolly Ranchers
“I worked in a women's prison for a year. I caught more sexual misconduct there than I did in the 26 years I worked at a men's prison.
As far as toys… the women inmates made them out of Jolly Ranchers (which were bought at the canteen). They would melt them using the microwave oven and shape them into male members even, with realistic veins. We called them 'swirlies' because they were made in different colors.”
You have to hand it to them, they are pretty creative. Can you imagine if they would use that creativity into something more useful? These girls could easily be working towards their future's or creating something worthwhile. We know one thing for sure, these jolly 'toys' must have been very sweet and, sorry for the visual, but very sticky.
12 A Glimpse of the Future
“My experience there was very eye opening and scary for me as far as addiction goes. At this point, I had only been using for less than a year (heroin), so I, fortunately, had not gotten too deep into it yet. I would say about 4 out of every five women who came through the pod was already withdrawing from heroin/methadone or was about to. The scary part of being there for me was with each woman I talked to about addiction, it was like I was looking at my future if I didn't get my head out of my butt. From stealing, to shoplifting, to prostitution, to never seeing their kids, and the stories of everything terrible and f***d up things they did to get their fix.”
This anonymous person really made the most of her time in jail. In her long testimony, she reveals that after her arrest and her time in jail, she never did drugs again and that the experience did change her life and the consequences that her actions could have in her future.
11 No Vegan Food - Recount from The Ex
“I had an ex and a good friend that were both locked up, different times but in the same state. They both pretty much reported the same stuff - a lot of illegal substances, had people offering them prescription pills immediately upon entry, a dearth of good books, and a****e guards. The ex didn't get undergarments for the first week she was there for literally no reason other than someone forgot to give them to her at some point and they didn't want to admit to it. The friend is a strict (whole life) vegan and they wouldn't give her veggie meals (even though they're supposed to). She ended up having to eat only bread and apples the entire time she was there, lost a ton of weight and still has digestive problems to this day. Mind you, both of these women were model prisoners (scared white girls from middle-class families that made straight As in school - both went in for drug/alcohol issues), and they still got treated horribly. I can only imagine what it must be like for the trouble makers.”
10 Prison in Ireland Sounds Very Nice
“I haven't been to prison, but we went on a school trip to an Irish female prison about ten years ago. It was surprisingly nice. They had PlayStation, cable TV, and day classes on all sorts of things (if they wanted to attend). Their food was made by an 'award-winning chef', according to the guard that showed us around. Their rooms were nicer than my room at home (being the youngest I always got the box room in the house). Some of the inmates (I think they were called 'clients' actually) let us see their rooms, and they were really quite nicely decorated by the inmates. Picture frames and stuff like that.
The guard told us it was very common for homeless women to commit crimes just to go to prison, and also admitted that it was easy to throw drugs over the two walls that separated the prison from the outside world, and into the inmates' courtyard.”
9 Horrible Experience
“I was in jail for 4 days and it sucked. You have no freedom what so ever. The first day I was there, I got assigned a bunk next to an old woman and a pregnant girl. I decided to knock out after being in the holding cell for a long time. I woke up to these two crazy b****s fighting. One of them grabs a cup of boiling water and pours it on the other. I stayed up after that, and sure enough, all these guards come in and pull the girls out and interrogate every single girl on what happened. When they got to me, I literally said I was sleeping. They called me a liar and the older woman defended me saying I just got in today and was sleeping. I was absolutely terrified.”
To think this is just one of the relatively tame stories. In fact, some inmates die before serving the full term of their sentence, whether by the hands of their fellow prisoners or by the batons of their guards.
8 Early Wake Up Call and No Friendly Faces
“I was in a jail for non-violent offenders, not prison. It wasn't so bad, honestly. Each sleeping area had 3 bunk beds, 6 lockers, and a payphone. No doors. We got up at 6 am and lined up for breakfast. Each room had to stay together. Technically order didn't matter, but the women who had been there a while liked to make sure everyone was always in the same spot. Probably helped them feel like they had some sort of control, I guess.
My bunkmate yelled at me on my first morning because I put my glasses on her locker. The top of her locker was right next to my bed, almost like an end table for me so I thought it'd be ok, but IT WASN'T. She wasn't angry, but she was severe enough that I slept with my glasses on from then on out.”
7 Boarding School for the Troubled
“The best way I can describe it is like a boarding school full of every type of female you can imagine. I spent about two months at a facility with around 400 women, whose charges ranged from small petty crimes to rape and murder. Everyone had their own clichés that they kept, too, but there was a lot of stupid drama. Try to think of the most troubled girls from high school, and then imagine 400 of them stuck together, in a place that is miserable, where they are isolated from their family and the rest of society. That's basically the gist of it. But like any community, there are good people and bad people, and most of the time you can find a like-minded individual to make friends with. The facility I was at had a huge library, pretty good food, and cable TV, so I considered myself lucky in that aspect.”
6 You Can Get a Tattoo
“A high school ex-girlfriend of mine went to lady-jail for prescription drugs. She said that all the inmates would bark at her when she walked by because she was the "puppy of the pound".
She got an improvised tattoo from a wood staple in a mechanical pencil, and apparently they have a lot of freedom there. We exchanged letters.”
So… . it's not a first account testimony, so we can't really know what this woman actually thought of it, because “freedom” is not a word that has been used to described prison or jail in any of the previous testimonies. What is interesting is that at least she came out with a new tattoo! Let's hope she liked it, although we can't really know if the utensils were clean. But at least she found a way of not coming out empty handed and she had a pen pal to write to.
5 She Didn't Have The Jail Look
“I've been to jail twice, no prison though. Most people told me I didn't look like I belonged in jail. Gave me the "WTF did you do to land here?" One of the male guards flirted with me about my tattoos. Mainly I just keep to myself until I got out though”
Most of us would imagine felons to look like tattooed, crazed lunatics. We wouldn't think prim and proper looking ladies would end up in jail. This girl clearly looked out of place because she didn't/doesn't seem to look like any of the regular prison folk.
As if it wasn't enough that she looked out of place, this inmate also had to deal with a prison guard flirting with her, but at least it didn't go beyond that. Based on her account, it seems like she was able to keep herself together and eventually get out of prison. Let's hope that she stays out of trouble and never has to go there again.
4 Being Blonde Got Her the Wrong Attention
“I was the only blonde girl there when I went, that got me a lot of attention”
There are some places where you want to stand out and get all the attention for yourself. Like… let's say a club, a nice restaurant, or, heck, even walking down the street. However, prison or jail is not one of those places. It's probably the place where you don't want to be noticed at all! If she would have known this, maybe she would have gotten her hair dyed a darker color. But then again, you never really think you're going to stand out because of your hair color.
She doesn't explain much about what her experience was like, but we're hoping that her stay was tolerable. We're not even saying pleasant because COME ON! We're talking about being locked up here.
3 An Entertaining Experience
“Really the only way I could describe it was like living in a girl's only low-income area middle school. I personally found a few other white girls who were semi-normal and in there for minor things like DUI and underage drinking. One girl was super naive and was talked into writing out checks to herself from her roommate's checkbook to pay bills. She was 19 and had never smoked a cigarette, or touched weed or alcohol. She was a sweetheart and told me everything there is to know about Johnny Depp.
My first week or so there was rough, I was rooming with some pretty mean ghetto chicks (I am 5'0 ~100 lbs. little white girl). One girl stole my Butterfinger I bought with the tiny amount of commissary I had. So I confronted her and she tried to fight me. Even though I clearly saw the wrapper in her bunk, she denied taking it.
Anyway, I told the guard I didn't feel safe in that room, so she moved me in with the 19-year-old. We actually ended up having a lot of fun! It was like a sleepover every night. Then some crazy Meth head girl moved in with us, too. She was out of her mind, but entertaining nonetheless.”
2 The Food Was Not That Bad
“There's not a lot I can say about my time because I spent the whole week sitting in a cell by myself trying to go back to sleep. No one to talk to and no way to leave, it was just me in a room with a slot in the door for food. I didn't ask for anything or attempt to communicate with officers because I ultimately just wanted to be as inoffensive as possible and not cause any trouble. It was freezing cold, at least to someone who had zero physical movements, and there was no way to tell time. I counted breakfast and read, reread, and reread again my paperwork stating how phone calls worked and when I'd get out. All in all, I found it very draining. It was mentally exhausting just trying to keep occupied while having zero stimuli. But jail food is not as bad as elementary school food was. The officer who released me seemed excited to have the good job that day, where he's dealing with people who want to put their real clothes back on and GTFO.”
1 Overcrowding is Real
“Technically I was in women's prison, though it was 5 days. So all I can comment on is the fact that the overcrowding thing can be real AF. The cells held two bunk beds each, and the entire hallway was lined with extra bunk beds because it was overcapacity.”
There's a bit of everything in this list. At least the previous girl had a cell all to herself, but this poor woman had make do in an overcrowded facility. I guess it all depends on where you get sent to. But having to spend so much time in an overcrowded prison with dangerous women does not seem like a pleasurable experience, regardless of the circumstances. The overcrowding just makes the experience all the more tedious.
If we've learned anything from these 15 confessions, it is that prison/jail is not a cool place to be, whether you have the look for it or not, or whether you have a cell to your own or face overcrowding. Some inmates had it better than others. Some even managed to get something out of the experience, but either way, stay away from prison or jail. Be good and keep yourself out of trouble.