When You're Not Attracted to Your Girlfriend The Why & the Fixes
You're not attracted to your girlfriend, but should you tell her about it? Here's why your attraction faded and what to do about it.
It may sound shallow, but physical attraction is high on the priority list in most romantic relationships. So, when you're not attracted to your girlfriend physically, but still love her and want to be in a relationship, it can be what we call a real bitch.
One Harvard University study researched the perception of women who wore makeup. The results showed that women who wore makeup were generally perceived as more trustworthy, beautiful, and more likable than women who didn't. Whatever science says the facts remain: we like to be attracted to our mates.
There's a big difference between not being attracted to your girlfriend and actually finding her *unattractive*. When you start finding her ugly, that's when you have a real problem. So, what do you do when you're not attracted to your girlfriend? Here are all the tips and tricks, including whether or not you should tell your girlfriend you're not attracted to her anymore.
Reasons why you're not attracted to your girlfriend
Here comes the big question: Why aren't you attracted to your girlfriend anymore? Were you ever? Once you've identified why and when your attraction stopped, it'll be easier to make a plan of attack. Here are the most common reasons why men lose lust for their lovers.
#1 She's gained weight. Weight gain is one of the biggest reasons why men lose attraction for their mates. If you met her at a solid size 5, and now she's a size 15, you may find you're not as attracted to her as you used to be.
Logically, you keep telling yourself that after 10 years and a couple of kids, of course she isn't going to have the same body she once did. Sure, you're no spring chicken either… but, as her dress size goes up your lust goes down. Harsh, but true.
It should be said that unless you want a quick dump and possibly a slap across the face, there is no good time to tell your girlfriend she's gotten too fat for your liking.
#2 She looks dramatically different than she did when you first met. Whether it's the stress of life or just growing up, her wild teased bleach blonde hair and smoky black eye makeup may have dulled into natural brown locks and a coat of mascara - on a good day.
Contrary to how rude it sounds when you say it out loud, you're allowed to have a “type” of girl you're attracted to. If you love brunettes and now she's a redhead, odds are you're not going to be as attracted to her as you once were.
#3 She doesn't take care of herself anymore. When you first saw her in her PJs with her hair in a messy bun, you thought she looked adorable. Now it's *all* you ever see. When you first met, she had all the time in the world to impress you.
Her nails were always done, she had a gym membership, nice makeup, hair curled, and she always wore a sexy summer dress. Now you feel like she doesn't take care of herself anymore and her looks are suffering for it. Her morale, too.
#4 She hurt you. Sometimes when we're hurt by our partners or see a personality trait we find ugly, we start to view them physically in a different light. Even if you were once lustfully attracted to your girlfriend, this ugly personality trait can suck the pretty right out of her. The more you start to resent someone's personality, the less likely you are to be attracted to them.
#5 You were never attracted to her. There's a chance that it's not that you're not attracted to your girlfriend, it's that you *never were* to begin with. Maybe she's perfectly cute, but not your type. Maybe you fell for her personality and didn't care about the physical aspect of attraction. Whatever your reasoning at the time, it's officially become a problem.
Should I tell my girlfriend I'm not attracted to her?
Is this even a real question? Here's a tip: honesty isn't always the best policy. Telling your girlfriend you're not attracted to her will ruin her emotionally and physically. Imagine being in love with someone and wondering if they're repulsed by you while you're having sex. There are other ways to broach the subject without coming right out and saying it.
If you're hoping that telling her you've lost your hard-on for her will motivate her to lose weight or change in some way, it won't. It'll just hurt her feelings. So, unless you're planning on breaking up with her, there's no reason to shatter her ego. In fact, even if you are going to break up with her… still don't tell her.
But if you absolutely, positively feel the need to tell your girlfriend you're not attracted to her, here's how to bring it up without being a dick.
You're not attracted to your girlfriend… what should I do?
There is good news in all of this. One YourTango survey revealed that out of 20,000 male and female participants, 89% believed that attraction changes over time with a partner. What's more, a whopping 90% said they believed it was possible to reignite the flame you had at first, so you can stop saying that you are not attracted to your girlfriend.
Here are some easy ways to broach the subject with your girlfriend without hurting her feelings.
#1 Encourage exercise. If your girlfriend has gained weight and you're not as attracted to her as you once were, try to encourage her to exercise. When you approach the subject always use the word “we” instead of “you.”
This will make it feel like a couple's outing, instead of throwing her figure under the bus. Odds are she's even less thrilled with her weight gain than you are, so there's no reason to body shame. Instead, use suggestions like:
- “We” should join a gym
- “We” should go for a hike
- “We” should start eating better
- “We” should do the 100-squat challenge every other night before bed
You could even go the opposite route and ask if she'll come support *you* in your weight loss/healthy body goals. Tell her *you* want to start eating better and working out, and ask her to take the plunge with you. You can even plan date nights around it. Instead of dinner and a movie, head out for a hike, play sports together, or even join a hot yoga class - hey, not only is it great for sculpting a killer booty, it's also great inspiration for your sex life!
#2 Pamper her to encourage she start taking care of herself again. Buy her a spa gift certificate and encourage her to go out with the girls and do, well, girly things! Remind her why she loved getting her hair done, doing her nails, and spending money on makeup.
This is a great option because it gives you major brownie points for spoiling her all while reminding her how much she loves getting dolled up.
#3 Work on your emotional and physical relationship. You're not attracted to your girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you should stop shagging. Sex is a huge part of your emotional connection with your partner and will strengthen your chemistry. This is especially true if you once had fiery passions for one another, but have had other issues have crowded your feelings for one another, physically or otherwise.
For example, if there was a form of infidelity *physical cheating, porn addiction, sexting someone who isn't your mate* in your relationship, it may have done some serious damage to your connection. This can snowball and affect your sex life, your attraction for one another, and even your ability to like the other's personality.
It's important to repair these wounds so that you can both move on and learn to return to the people you were when you first fell in love. Seek couple's counselling, or do relationship trust exercises to capture the bond that you once had and rebuild trust.
Even if you're not attracted to your girlfriend, it doesn't mean that it's going to stay that way. Relationships are like never ending roller coasters. They'll have ups and downs for a lifetime. So will your attraction for your partner. Just be patient and wait for the next loopty-loop.