16 Reasons You Should Break Off Your Engagement
You are engaged! Now what? Start planning the wedding, look up honeymoon locations, talk about your future? It is easy to get swept up in the romance of marriage. After all, the whole idea that someone is so in love with you they want to be with you forever is an amazing feeling. It is also a very heavy responsibility. The rush of excitement when you see them and the electric pulse of their touch, it all makes you feel as if you just can't live without them. Have you thought about what happens when that wears off? If you really are naïve enough to believe those heart pounding thrills will last a lifetime, you might be setting yourself up for failure. When people say that marriage is work they mean it requires constant attention and evaluation. Problems will arise, disagreements create holes in relationships, time away from one another makes strangers, and you will both change as time goes by. These things happen in life, and they will happen in marriage. If you don't truly know the person you are planning to marry or how to navigate the obstacles, it could lead to the demise of your relationship. Don't wait until after you are married to address the issues in your relationship. The more time that passes, the less likely it becomes to solve problems, and it will only fester, deepening the divide. Before you vow to spend your life with someone, consider your readiness and the strength of your relationship. Here are 16 red flags in relationships that could be a sign to end your engagement.
16 Trust Issues
If you are starting out a marriage with trust issues, this spells disaster. Do you feel compelled to constantly check your partner's phone and social media accounts for suspicious activity? Are there unexplained late nights and constant lying? Even if they eventually apologize for bad behavior, this should be a major roadblock and a chance for you to reevaluate your relationship. If there was cheating, be it emotional or physical, this is unacceptable. Marriage is supposed to last forever, and if they can't stay true to you before the marriage, what makes you think a piece of paper is going to change that? If they claim to love you so much they want to spend their life with you, they shouldn't be shattering your faith in them. Marriage requires an enormous amount of trust, and if that isn't there, why would you even consider this person as your partner for life? Ditch them and find someone worthy of your trust.
15 You Don't Agree on Kids
If you want kids and your partner doesn't, this should be resolved before the wedding day. Having children is a major commitment, even bigger than marriage. If you can't agree on this issue don't expect your partner to change their mind down the road. This could lead to a lot of heartbreak. Having children is very difficult. Infertility, money issues, health care expenses, schooling, choices about raising them, these require two people on the same page. If your partner doesn't want children and you do, chances are you won't change their mind. Will you change yours? Think about your future. If you are married for ten years and decide you want to have kids only to find your spouse absolutely refuses, will you accept it? Or will you divorce and try to have kids with someone else? When you are facing marriage, these are issues you have to consider and decide how it will shape your future. Better to find out now rather than when it might be too late.
14 Controlling Behavior
Don't brush off controlling behavior as an intense version of love. When a partner constantly wants to know where you are and what you are doing, this should set off alarm bells. Even when people are married, they should still have some sense of separateness. Everyone needs to have space and time to be themselves. If your partner refuses to let you be alone, forces you to change who you are, and verbally or physically abuses you, you need to call off the engagement. This kind of behavior does not resolve itself. It usually stems from a person's own twisted experiences and problems that only they can address. You cannot change them. You cannot fix them. You deserve to have someone that loves and appreciates you for who you are and allows you to flourish. Controlling behavior and forms of abuse should be signs for you to break it off. Move on before it gets worse.
13 Signs of Addiction
Sometimes potential signs of addiction can be ignored as reckless behavior that people will grow out of or just a symptom of their boisterous personality, but be careful. If your partner exhibits addictive behavior, it is something that needs to be addressed. From constant drinking to an increasing need to use recreational drugs, this will be a major strain on a marriage. People often exist like this for years right on the border of full blown addiction. By then they have been married for years and have children when they suddenly lose control. If you truly love the person and want to get married, discuss the problem before the wedding. Offer to delay nuptials so they can go to rehab. The longer you wait, the worse the problem will become and the harder it will be to correct it. Listen to your gut, and if you sense a problem, speak up!
12 Opposite Political Views
If politics aren't something you haven't discussed before your marriage, this could cause strife later in life. Some people find it refreshing to have different views, but others might find it difficult to share a life with someone that has completely different morals and beliefs. If you are marrying young, and you don't know how you feel about politics, this could also be problematic. How can you know what you want in life and from marriage, if you don't know what you believe in or how you feel about the leaders of our world? When you choose a spouse, they should be a reflection of yourself. That's not to say they can't have differences, but if you eventually come to realize they don't have any of the same values, how can you share a life together? Talk about the things you feel are important and your views of the world. Come to understand how they feel, and if you can't see eye to eye or respect your differences, you might not be a good fit for each other.
11 Uncertainty
If you aren't absolutely sure you want to get married, you probably shouldn't be. It is normal to have cold feet, but if you mostly feel ambivalence, you are not ready for marriage or at least not in love. Marriage of convenience, necessity, or on a whim is never a great idea. It can be easy to get caught up in the idea of marriage and a strong desire to prevent heartache by saying, “No” to a proposal. Don't let that be why you are getting married. You will cause so much more heartache later. Be open and upfront about your feelings, and if you don't know how you feel, say something now even if the down payments have been made and invitations sent. Marriage shouldn't be something you enter without absolute certainty. It's hard enough when people want to get married. Uncertainty will only make it more likely to crash and burn.
10 All You Want is a Wedding
If all you are thinking about is the ring, the dress, the venue… You aren't ready for marriage. The whole idea of a wedding has turned into a circus. People spend ridiculous amounts of money, time, and energy to have a wedding without really thinking about what it means to be married. The wedding is only one day. Marriage is forever. If you are only thinking about that one day of celebration, what do you plan on doing for the rest of your lives together? A wedding should be a celebration of the start of a life together and not a showcase of your status. Ask yourself why you want to get married, and consider what you want to come after the party is over, the guests have gone home, and it is just the two of you. Having a wedding will be so much more rewarding and special when you are truly ready to be married.
9 You are Marrying for the Kids
A lot of people that have a child out of wedlock, often think it is the right thing to do to get married. Stop and think about this. A child is more likely to do better with two happy parents that aren't married than married parents that are miserable and fighting. You can have a happy, stable family without being married. Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you have to be married to one another. You owe it to your family to choose what is best for everyone. If the only reason you are marrying someone is because you think it is the right thing to do, it might just end up being a big mistake. Then, if you end up divorcing later on, it can be even more difficult for the child to understand why their family is falling apart. You determine what a healthy family life is for you and your children not a marriage license.
8 Marriage Feels like the Next Logical Step
If you have been in a relationship for what feels like forever, marriage might seem like the next logical step. However, reassess your time with your partner and discuss what you both want. You might just find that you are going in different directions, but you have fallen in such a comfortable routine you don't even realize what is going on with each other. Autopilot is one of the more problematic issues in a relationship. People grow apart slowly day after day when they don't work to stay connected. They might not even realize it until years later when suddenly their partner feels like a stranger. Marriage is a choice not a mandatory milestone. Don't get married because it makes sense. Get married because you want to work to build a life together and share your future together. If you are only getting married because it seems like time, you could be entering a partnership that is already withering away.
7 Pressure from Others
Don't ever let anyone pressure you into marriage. It is a complicated decision that you make with someone you love and respect. No one else but you and your partner should have a say in the marriage (regardless of what your in-laws or your mother may think). When you marry someone it is for the both of you, not anyone else. If you are getting married because your mother says it's time or because your partner's family begs you, you are probably going to have a lot of resentment in your marriage. That hidden resentment can build and chip away at the foundation of your your life as a married couple. You can certainly ask others for advice but don't let people talk you into something as major as marriage. That is a decision you have to make on your own, and you won't be happy unless it is what you truly want.
6 You Don't Want to be Alone
If your aversion to being alone is why you are rushing to the altar, stop for a second and reconsider. Women that have never married are called spinsters while men get to be bachelors. Even for as much progress that has happened in the world of feminism, there are still a lot of influences pointing women towards marriage and domestication. Don't commit yourself to a lifelong decision because you don't want to be alone. Learning to be content with being alone teaches you about yourself, what you want, and it gives you the time to seek out the goals you want to reach. It is important to spend time alone and have a stable self foundation in order to have a positive relationship with someone else. Don't panic thinking you will be alone forever. Stop rushing towards marriage. Live your life and let it come on its own. You can't force a marriage and expect it to be a happy successful union.
5 You Fight Constantly
Constant fighting says a lot about the state of your relationship. Whether is discord you can't seem to settle between one another or if you are trying to change each other, it needs to be addressed. Weddings can be one of the more stressful situations in life, and it can bring out a lot of the unresolved issues in a relationship. Pay attention to your fighting and determine if it is from the stress of the upcoming nuptials or if it is more. If every past argument and resentment is rising to the surface again, ask yourself if something more is going on. Just because you become legally married to someone doesn't mean it becomes easier to deal with problems or that old issues fade away. Marriage has a way of amplifying all these things. Pay attention to that feeling in your gut. You might be surprised to find that there is just too much baggage to carry forward into a marriage.
4 Major Secrets
Secrets make for a false sense of happiness. I'm not talking secrets like blonde isn't your real hair color or you hate football. The secrets that can rip apart a marriage are things like cheating, massive debt, criminal records, and lies about who you really are. If you are hiding major secrets, it is time to fess up. It might put a stop to the marriage, but you have to admit these things before you walk down the aisle. You run the risk of destroying the trust in your relationship if you don't tell your partner, and they will be much more hurt if they find out later. They are essentially marrying someone that they don't know completely. The same goes for your partner. If they suddenly reveal major secrets before your wedding day, reconsider your relationship. Is someone that keeps secrets who you want to be married to? If you don't have trust in a marriage, what else is there?
3 You Just Met
Is there anything as wonderful as new love? It is exciting, intoxicating, and life changing. However, if you two are running to the chapel, put on the brakes. The only way to really know each other is through time. No amount of fantastic immediate attraction will carry you through a lifetime and make marriage a breeze. You only start to really know someone when you see them in many situations, during the highs and lows. You don't know how strong your love is until it is tested. When all the amazing, new love thrills start to reach a baseline, will you still recognize each other? Will you still want the same things? Are your lives still headed in the same direction? As gripping as love can be, you have to take your time when entering marriage. You will change over the course of marriage, and you have to have a strong foundation so your changes are parallel. Get to know your partner before you bind yourself to them.
2 You Just Want a Baby
A child is a lifelong decision. There are no divorces from a child. You can't just walk away if it gets too tough. It is a sacred relationship, and it is much easier to bring a child into the world when there are two parents that both want to have a happy, successful family. If you are marrying someone you don't truly love or care for just because you are fearful that you may be running out of time to conceive, you are being unfair to yourself, your partner, and that potential child. Don't settle just because you want a family. There are other ways to go about having a child. It can traumatic for a child to go through divorce and see their family pulled apart. Consider all your options and don't rush into a life with someone just because you so desperately want a baby. Raising a child is a enormous responsibility. Don't add stress to the equation by being with someone you don't really love.
1 Marrying for Money
Money can't buy happiness. Many people scoff at this old saying, but it is more true than you might realize. Many women crave stability and think that marrying someone with money is the answer. However, as you go through life, you will find that you can only find fulfillment in your own happiness. Relying on someone else to pay your way isn't happiness. It might be easy, but you are going to find yourself feeling restless and without purpose. Sure having money and security is a nice feeling, but that's not what life is all about. It might seem good for a while, but it's not real. Life is about constant evolution and becoming a positive role in this world by giving your life meaning. Only you can do that, no one else, no amount of money. If your life becomes about chasing someone down that has money, you are selling yourself short. That isn't love, and it isn't happiness.
