15 Times You'll Always Come Second

When we're completely in love with an individual and it's not returned in the same way, the harsh reality can be difficult to handle. Whether it's with a family member, a crush, or a partner, coming second in someone else's life can be hard to swallow. But like most other things in life we have to learn to move on, grow from the experience and learn how to avoid toxic situations that only bring us down in the future.

These fifteen tips will help you spot the signs that someone doesn't value you as a person, which is a complete loss on their part. Coming second is no fault of your own, sometimes it's just how life is, but being prepared and avoiding hurtful situations will make issues like this go much smoother. Don't let someone's opinion of you be an answer to your self-worth, because you're so much more than a friend that just takes advantage.

15 Time Apart

It usually starts when someone wants to spend time apart, more specifically when someone wants time apart and it is not even verbalized. Because if a loved one really did value you as an individual they would make it clear that they just need some space and that it is not you. Instead of leaving you there standing alone with all these questions and no answers. When an individual just vanishes with no words exchanged, that is when you know there is a red flag. Don't get stuck in a situation like this and become a puppy that follows these people around, there can be a time when you try to help them overcome what they are dealing with, but it is a very thin line that should not be crossed when you care for someone and they completely ignore you and don't even have the courtesy to tell you they need to be left alone.

14 Jealousy

When a person in your life becomes overwhelmingly jealous of either you or people you surround yourself with, no matter how innocent it might seem at first, if the situation isn't discussed and an understanding found, resentment sets in, which will lead to revenge in some individuals minds. If your boyfriend or a friend becomes jealous of you, it shows you that support is no longer there, there's an aspect of selfishness that will drive a person to this which ultimately pushes you away because they can't stand being around you. It's no fault of your own, but remember that most people who do this are very toxic and will try to be sneaky with the friendship, trying to bring you down to their level just for a matter of some sick satisfaction. You're bigger than that and you should look out for these signs so you can stand your ground firmly.

13 Lack Of Confidence

Similar to the jealousy excerpt above, when a loved one has a lack of confidence and sees how confident you are as a strong woman, it is very hard to keep them around, you will become a second choice to them because they feel less than you. Regardless if you boast or not (which you shouldn't), confidence is a very sensitive issue. While these people are not toxic in a sense, they will show that you are always second to them simply because they can't handle being around you, hearing about your goals, or knowing about your life because you have your sh** together. It is a tough situation to be in, and it is hard to know exactly what to do when stuck in the middle of something like this. Try to be there for them, but if they don't return the compassion it is time to move on.

12 Resentment

Talking specifically about resentment, not just jealousy that usually comes with it, but someone doesn't have to be jealous to resent you, it could be something from the past that wasn't discussed, or simply a lack of communication. Most people that resent someone will stay away from that person, but some individuals will try to move in close to destroy the good. Remembering that friends and lovers should always be there for you, there should always be a sort of understanding with things even if they're a bit rocky, strong relationships will overcome that. Don't let a toxic person control your life, because it's your life, not theirs. For those who resent where you are in your life or for something that happened so long ago that you thought it was forgiven, you need to keep a watchful eye, because these people will always make sure that you know that you're second in their life, that you'll never be first. You need to keep being strong and move on from people who try to bring you down because you're worth more than that.

11 Excuses

Having a list of excuses thrown in your face, people wasting your time, and lying to get out of planning fun things to do with you, even something as simple as a coffee get together, is an immediate red flag.

When dealing with someone that puts you second in their life, it's a clear indicator when all they have to tell you is excuse after excuse, it's a tough situation to deal with, but this is probably the clearest sign to spot. Advice for this situation might seem simple, but just give them time. The reason people generally give a number of excuses is probably because they take your time for granted, people think everyone will be around the next week, the next month when we actually don't know that for sure. Give them a subtle reminder, just tell them upfront what they mean to you, and just back off after that because there's nothing else you can do without pushing the situation into the wrong direction, they have to make their choice and show you what that choice is, not just say it.

10 Fights

Words can be one of the most hurtful things even more than physical pain.

When your loved one and you fight on a regular basis it's a clear sign that something is off in the relationship dynamic. There are misunderstandings, a lack of compassion, and it's most likely that you'll always come second because they're putting themselves first. A selfish choice but a common one, I'm all for self-love and independence while being in a relationship but it has to be on a level that's flourishing with equality and love. You both have to be on the same level of independence to be able to understand the dynamic of it working out in the end with less fights. Fighting should be a discussion, and god forbid it turns physical if it does you just need to leave, seek help in those you trust, and move on from that toxic environment. You weren't first in that relationship, you need to put yourself first.

9 Depression

Depression is the hardest thing to cope with, period.

Depression can cause a number of things to happen even if the person dealing with it doesn't mean for these actions to take place. Depression in a person can make the people around them always come second, it's a very harsh reality that no one wants to face in their life, but it's a reality many people face. If your loved one has depression, you might fall to a second place while they're focusing on themselves, and it's no fault of either one of you, ever.

To get past a situation like this, just be there for them as much as you can, if you can't handle it, you need to move on, but make sure they're in a safe place with loved ones like their family and friends, that's what they need. They need to feel love, and it's not your fault if you have to leave them to heal.

8 Friends

Friends come and go in life and we're so lucky when we find a friend that sticks around for the long haul.

But friends can also take advantage of people they've known their whole life. The biggest mistake I see when dealing with putting people second, is friends taking advantage of how long they've known each other. Holding on to the memories while there are no memories being made anymore, because they've put you second, holding on to your life by strings because they desperately want you to turn to when their other friends won't listen. A history between two people can flourish, or turn toxic, it's usually one or the other, there's no in between in a situation like this. If you find yourself dealing with a friend that puts you second and only first when they need something from you, you need to tell them exactly how you feel, then deal with the situation from there.

7 Rudeness

Similar to the fighting example above, when someone is constantly rude to you, take it as a sign.

Rudeness is something we all shouldn't have to deal with, but it's almost a part of life, and it happens for a million reasons we'll never know for sure. When someone you supposedly love is constantly rude to you without a clear reason, it's an obvious sign that you come second in their life. That your presence isn't completely valued. You never deserve something like this to happen, no one does. It's an awful situation to face alone with someone you love, but when someone doesn't love you, it's time to reevaluate the situation and figure out what to do, because we can't just sit here and waste our life on someone who doesn't care.

“I never could stand losing. Second place didn't interest me. I had a fire in my belly.” - Ty Cobb

6 Turning To Other Things

Filling their time up with other things like games, going out, parties, drinking, and drugs, all of these things are a clear indication of how they view you in their life. They see you as someone who will always be there when that is not the case.

Turning to other things to occupy time is perfectly fine when there is still the important aspect of communication. Nothing can happen that is productive when there is absolutely no communication about what is happening. If someone doesn't value you enough to communicate what problems they're having you need to start the conversation if it's really even worth it to you, because if not, the path is clear that you need to move on for the sake of yourself. Life is short and we all deserve to have someone in our life that values us and allows us to value them equally as well.

5 Family

When family puts you second, it's probably the most painful reality to cope with. Whether they don't approve of your work, your goals, or put another sibling first, it hurts no matter what the circumstance is.

Family is the most consistent thing we experience in our lives, most of us all have a clear picture of how our family is and the positives and negatives of the family dynamic that's unique to you. When there's a family member that doesn't value who we are as a person it can be very hard to deal with by yourself especially when the rest of your family doesn't understand. You have to remember to stay strong and speak your mind, and just because it's family doesn't mean that you have to deal with the pain people are causing you because they don't see you as a valid person. It's important to remember that you are valid and your voice is worth hearing.

4 No Understanding

When someone is not open to your ideas, your innovation, then this means that you have a situation that needs to be handled, because your ideas are valid.

Not having understanding from anyone in your life is a clear indicator that you are not first in their life. Any loved one that is not open to your opinions needs to understand that everyone has different opinions, and the ignorance that stems from not wanting to hear and understand something from someone so close to you, is a poor choice to make.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

3 Simple Tasks Before You

Anything from cleaning to staying at work later than needed just to get away.

If a person ever puts a material item before even the thought of how you feel, they're putting you second and you don't deserve the pain that comes with that. Simple tasks as a way to ignore you, or just completely staying away from the nest which you both live, canceling plans short notice because of something small and not even worth the time can be a real issue. Understanding that people can change, but they have to realize what they've done wrong to hurt you, and if you present this idea to your loved one and they understand, there's a chance you both can move forward together. But if they disregard your deepest feelings, feelings that are meant to be mutual, then I'd advise you to move on for the bettering of yourself, you'll have learned a lot that can better you in the future.

“Those whose life is long still strive for gain, and for all mortals all things take second place to money.” - Sophocles

2 No Spark

No conversation, no spending time together, no anything anymore.

Having no spark in the connection between you and the people you love, family or friends, it is time to sit down and rethink choices that have been made, what can be fixed and what isn't worth the effort, what can be changed, and what can't. When there is no spark, you often found being placed second in your loved one's life, or vice versa. Sometimes it's just how things go, sometimes it's not toxic even if it feels awful in the meantime. And it is completely fine if this happens because the sad truth is that it does. So if you find yourself in this situation you need to address it right away instead of throwing it under the rug. When things just slowly fade and drift apart, it's time to move on in life, it's not your fault, and being second in a situation like this isn't their fault necessarily either.

1 No Warmth

When there is no more touch, and no more 'I Love Yous' like there once was, there needs to be a discussion for your own well being.

A loved one who just fades away like above is not always the worst, having no warmth and having no heart to accept the fading and just pretending everything is fine, puts you second to perception. Your loved one in this situation is placing you second to how other's see your relationship. It is hard to read what a person is thinking, but when issues like pretending start to happen, it is one of the most toxic situations to escape from. It is important to spot this relationship issue ahead of time, others will make you out to be the bad guy when you leave simply because your partner pretends that everything was okay and perfect between you two. But deep down you know the truth and your happiness is what matters the most.