15 Things You Need To Know About New Dating Trend 'Haunting'

It's important to know about other women's experiences when it comes to dating. This means that you won't suffer the same fate as them if they have had a negative experience. We call it a trend when the same kind of BS happens to a lot of women. If we talk about it then we can all see the signs early on and nip it in the bud before we get hurt.

It works. You probably know all about the kind of nastiness that f-bois put women through now, so when the red flags pop up showing you that the person you're dating is a player, you're more likely to drop them. And you know all about ghosting. So you'll probably realize pretty quickly when someone is in the process of ghosting you and leave it alone / move on.

Now we have a whole new term to think about and that's 'haunting'. More and more women are talking about it. It's subtle, which makes the experience worse for some. It's confusing and it can even be super creepy. So, here are some things you need to know about haunting and what you can do about it:

14 It's been compared to ghosting

You should know what ghosting is by now. In case you don't we'll give you a reminder. It's when the person you're seeing seemingly drops off the face of the earth. They stop calling, texting, messaging and leave you wondering what on earth happened to make them stop contacting you altogether. They might ghost you slowly by sending shorter and shorter messages before they stop replying altogether, as though your contact is slowly fizzling out. It usually happens when at least one of you considers your relationship casual. It's generally seen in a negative light as people tend to blame themselves and have questions about what they've done wrong to deserve the silent treatment. But if you thought ghosting is bad, Cosmopolitan calls haunting 'the horrific new dating trend that's even worse than ghosting'. So what's it all about?

13 It can be totally random

It may have happened to you already without you realizing it. You may not have thought much of it at the time or you may have been super affected by it. Haunting is when an ex or even somebody you dated just pops up somewhere on your social media out of the blue. Once every few months your ex likes a pic you posted on Facebook and their name pops up in your notifications like a slap in the face. Or you might not have spoken to them in ages and they start watching your Instagram stories when you post them. You might have decided to drop someone after a date or two but they keep on watching your Snapchat stories for the next few weeks. You get the gist. It's low key but something about it feels weird.

12 They might go out of their way to stalk you

It gets creepy when you know for a fact that somebody has gone out of their way to find you on social media. The writer for Cosmopolitan shares how a guy she went on a couple of dates with viewed her Instagram story even though, as she puts it, 'they'd 'never reached following-on-Instagram-level intimacy'. So this bloke had clearly gone out of his way to find her on Insta and then proceeded to watch her story which left her baffled. Similarly, a friend of mine told me recently that someone she had spoken to in the pub had gone out of his way to find her on Facebook and try to message her. Haunting isn't quite as intense as that. Haunting is more like they're just there watching in the background, which is even more creepy if you think about it.

11 It reminds you they're still around

You might be moving on, or trying to move on from a relationship but haunting reminds you that the other person is still there, doing their thang on social media. Every now and then, I used to get Candy Crush requests on Facebook from somebody I dated. It perturbed me. I didn't really want to be reminded of their existence. It's one thing having them as a friend on Facebook. You keep them so you don't seem petty and you can unfollow them so their posts don't actually come up on your feed. That's all fine and dandy. So when you get any kind of notification from them, you're thinking wtf? Why are they making contact? Even if the contact is as minimal as a request to help them unlock a new realm on Candy Crush.

10 You have no idea why they're doing it

So, you may wonder… Why is that guy or girl I went out with twice watching my Instagram stories? Are they trying to get my attention? Are they trying to keep reminding me that they're there so I reach out and message them? Do they know I'm not interested? Do they watch me longingly anyway? Why are they doing this? The truth is you have no idea why someone is haunting you. That's the problem. You can't ask them either… Maybe that's what they want, maybe they think if they watch enough then you'll talk to them and they'll be able to persuade you to go out with them. It's just all a bit strange and annoying. You also might not want them to know that you know that they're watching your story, because you want them to think you're over it. It's confusing.

9 It might make you confused

What if you are still interested in someone you dated casually or wish things would have worked out differently. If they start haunting you then you might think they're interested. But you don't actually know if they are interested. They might just be passing time. They might like your posts because you take nice photographs, not because they like you. You don't know what to think of the low key attention they're giving you. But perhaps if they hadn't watched your story or liked your post you wouldn't have given them a second thought. Maybe you're just lonely right now and you're clutching at straws. It puts you in a confused and awkward state. Being confused is not fun. You'd rather just know what someone's intentions are. Then you can make the right decision in terms of what to do next.

8 Are they really haunting you though?

It's a tough one. There are obviously people out there who partake in a little haunting for whatever reason, to gain attention or to try and win someone over or whatever. But what if they aren't actually haunting you. The nature of social media is that you get lots of information really quickly and you don't need to give it all of your attention all the time. So, for all you know, your ex or the person you dated may just see the memes that you post and like them without even looking at who posted it. If that's the case then they might not be haunting you. But you will know if they are haunting you, for example, if they're liking more personal images or posts. Don't just go around thinking everyone is haunting you now that you've learned the term. Think about it.

7 It's beyond subtle

If somebody is into you and they're really hoping they can get another chance with you it's likely that they'll send you some messages. Depending on how chill they are they might message you a few times but if you don't reply (i.e. you ghost them) they'll just leave it. I'd say it's pretty obvious they're into you if they take this route. Haunting, however, is way more subtle. If someone is haunting you with the intention of getting another date or getting back together then they're probably more likely to be successful. It's smart. They're not badgering you and in turn putting you off them. They're giving you subtle hints that they're interested and you're left thinking about them. You're in the position to decide whether you want to pay attention to this haunting or not.

6 You can't really call them out on it

What are you really going to do about it? You can't really message someone and ask them to stop watching your stuff on Instagram or Snapchat. It might not be a big deal to them that they're watching your stuff. And if that's the case then they're just going to think you're a crazy person. You can't really message someone and ask them why they are watching your stuff on Instagram or Snapchat either. This is because they might not give you an honest answer. Again, they might think you're a crazy person for making a big deal out of it. Or they might give you an answer you don't want to hear, for instance, "I wanted to see you again" which is creepsville or a genuine "You take nice photos of trees" and then you're gutted because you thought you were special for a hot second.

5 It can be pretty nasty

If you were the one that was ghosted or broken up with, you really don't want someone haunting you. If you were really into a guy or girl and they decided not to see you anymore, you don't want them popping up with a follow request on Instagram or even a friend request on Facebook. Why would someone do that? It's a pretty shady thing to do. They're saying, I don't want to be with you but I'm happy to follow you on Instagram. Relationship coach Chris Armstrong tells Bustle the reason might be, 'while they wanted it to end, they are a controlling person by nature. They want to have their cake (the breakup) and eat it too (not have the person they're haunting to be with someone else).' That's pretty messed up, don't you think?

4 They might just be after the attention

Another reason people might be into haunting, according to Chris Armstrong is, 'they feel the need to bug the person they're haunting. They like that attention and annoyance it brings.' That's also pretty messed up. You might not want to believe it about someone if they seemed nice while you were dating them. But you know there are people out there who are seeking attention, who want everybody to be in love with them and chasing after them. It sounds dramatic but you know it's true. Some people have the need to feed their ego constantly and one way in which they can do that is through haunting. The thing is, people like that need to feed their ego because of their own self-esteem issues. If you take that perspective you won't feel so bad about the fact that they are haunting you.

3 But, is it even a big deal?

The only reason why someone haunting you would bother you is if you still have feelings for that person. If you didn't have feelings for them, you wouldn't even care that they pop up in your notifications from time to time, you wouldn't even notice. Or you might stop for a second and think, 'oo that's weird', but then get over it. So the way you feel about the fact that someone is haunting you is very telling. It means that you need to work out exactly what your feelings are and then how you can move forward. In other words, are you going to try and make things work with this person or are you going to take steps so that they are unable to ghost you? You can't just let it keep happening, you can't just let them keep on bugging you.

2 Just Ignore It

If the haunting is pissing you off, you've had a think and realized, that no, you're not into this person, then the first step towards getting them to stop doing what they're doing is to simply ignore it. According to Chris Armstrong, 'Regardless of why someone is haunting you, acknowledging the haunting will justify it to the 'haunter' and drive you crazy. Leave it be and they will either stop haunting (because they're not getting the rise out of you they want) or they'll haunt (read: grieve) in silence.' The added bonus of this approach is that if they're haunting you in a bid to get attention, you're not giving them the attention that they so desire. It's a win for you. And hopefully they'll see that their efforts are pointless and just give up.

1 Time for some blocking

You're not stupid, you know that the only way to get someone off your back on social media is to block, unfollow or unfriend. You may have been hesitant to do so up until now because you weren't sure whether they really are haunting you. But, if it's bothering you then just get rid of them. None of us need any extra stresses in our lives, it's already stressful enough! Unfollowing or unfriending them also sends them a strong message if they're really annoying you. It's showing the haunter that their actions are uncalled for and you're not willing to put up with it. You never know, when they receive this message they might be put off haunting altogether. They'll realize that haunting doesn't get them anywhere, so they won't bother. The next girl that they would've haunted won't have any problems at all.