15 Reasons Why Successful Women Are Drawn To Jerks
They say that nice guys finish last, but maybe it's not because we don't want them - maybe it's because the bad boys cheated in the race. Despite our better instincts and our head telling us otherwise, every woman has fallen for a jerk at least once. We know we shouldn't, we know they have nothing to offer and that we're much better off without them, but still we fall, head over heels. Still we excuse their bad behavior and wait by our phones for them to finally reciprocate our feelings. Still we think the emotional roller coaster is the height of passion and love, and anything stable is stagnant and dull.
Jerks are cocky know-it-alls and yet we happily listen to their nonsense because we just can't help ourselves - and it doesn't hurt that they're usually damn attractive. Sometimes we're drawn to them because of who they are even though we know better, and sometimes it's because we're lacking in certain areas ourselves. But, the sooner we figure out why we - successful, sophisticated ladies that we are - are still drawn to jerks, the sooner we can save ourselves from the inevitable heartache. Let these 15 reasons why help guide you along the way.
15 They Are More Attractive
There's just something undeniably sexy about the bad boy (who is actually a jerk). Maybe it's his smoldering good looks, his rakishly handsome appeal, or the fact that he has tons of other girls chasing him - because something is always more attractive when we can't have it. Think about the bad boys we saw in movies who were really good guys underneath it all. They usually had dark personal histories, leather jackets, and floppy hair. That kernel of adolescent lust sometimes grows as we get older, so we associate those traits from our fictional flings with real-life jerks.
It's been proven that conventionally attractive men are more likely to become jerks, so it's not even just our perception of them - they actually are that good-looking! Even though jerkiness is actually a sign of narcissism and immaturity, we look past that because we're drawn in by their super handsome face.
14 They Aren't Boring
We want a man who is passionate about life and unwilling to settle for less, and unfortunately those men usually turn out to be jerks. That unwillingness to settle can translate into a refusal to settle down in any way, which means he'll be happily running around and doing his own thing instead of staying in with you.
When a jerk is really interested in something, he'll stop at nothing to achieve it, even if it comes at the expense of relationships, because he is at heart self-interested and selfish. However, that ambition and passion attract us because it's how we want to feel in our own lives, instead of approaching everything we do with a “meh” attitude. The jerk approach to life is usually anything but “meh”, and we want a piece of that for ourselves! Instead of boring us to death with talk of their job or the weather, they go out and do what they want - even though what they want isn't always us.
13 They Have More Energy
Scroll through your mental history of jerks. Weren't they usually always running around doing something, the guy who encouraged everyone to take shots or seemed to have an unlimited amount of energy despite it being 4am? Jerks are usually extroverts, which means they thrive in social environments and love to be the center of attention.
Jerks are usually loud and outgoing because they need everyone to focus on them. This goes hand-in-hand with their confidence, because if a jerk doesn't have anyone to watch his antics, how can he gain confidence from them? All that running around limits the amount of emotional connection required in relationships, so a jerk can flit from one thing to another (or one person to another). We love that they're so high energy because they make us feel more alive, even though we're usually just being dragged along for the ride, whether we really like it or not.
12 They're Unpredictable
In science experiments, when mice are given a reward at a regular time with minimal effort, they eventually lose interest in the reward because it's expected, and their pleasure center grows dimmer and dimmer. However, when the reward is unpredictable, the mice became more excited and the pleasure center flared. That causes the release of dopamine, which produces artificial pleasure and makes us feel all good inside.
The same is true for us. With the nice guys, the expected texts, timely dates, and stable relationships get dull. With jerks, we enjoy that little thrill every time we finally hear from them or whenever they choose to pay attention to us. That shot of dopamine gives us more pleasure, because the highs are higher and the lows are lower. We live for the ride because we think it'll all be worth it even in the end, even though we're not entirely sure what the end really means.
11 They're Big Dreamers
Did you ever date a guy who called himself a musician, but really just knew a few chords of some famous songs? How about a self-proclaimed artist who had never finished a painting or even visited a gallery? Or a guy who knew another guy who was totally going to get him a high-level position at this company that was just starting out?
Look, jerks are known for having big dreams, and that's something we love about them, at least initially. But, as you probably know, they fail on the follow-through. They never make the call to get the ball rolling, they never practice, they cite a lack of inspiration. Jerks are full of big dreams and even bigger excuses, but we're still drawn to them because of their passion and because on some level, we fantasize about being their greatest muse. In this case, both you and the jerk need a major reality check.
10 They Have More Confidence
It's not just women who are attracted to confidence - it's everyone. Confidence is like a magnetic aura that pulls you in, and often jerks display a crazy high level of confidence because they have a super-inflated ego to match. Jerks will use people to gain confidence, and so more people are attracted to the vibes they put out, and the cycle continues.
But the jerks who have confidence just ooze self-assurance and a level of swagger that is undeniably attractive, even if we know better. Oftentimes, jerks won't have anything to really be confident about besides their sexual history, good looks, or money, but all of those are enough to keep the ladies lining up. We think that we can absorb some of their confidence by being around them, and that is a huge factor in women falling for jerks because they're looking for what they can't have (or can't give themselves). But, like most of the attributes on the jerk's resumé, this confidence is total BS.
9 They Are Leaders
Jerks can come in the form of bosses as well as boyfriends, which is why we might associate jerks with being leaders. Jerks can be the ringleader of their friend group, just like they can be in charge of your office. Their willingness to do whatever it takes and have everything go their way to succeed can make them seem like they know what's best even when they definitely do not.
Jerks are often on power trips because of their confidence and huge ego, and we usually just follow them because even when they say utter nonsense it sounds good. Since they consider themselves to be in a position of authority, so do we, which is why even when we're self-possessed, successful people, we still fall in line behind them. Some of the biggest jerks in history were leaders, but that does not mean a jerk is automatically worth being followed.
8 They Are More Masculine
When we see the jerk surrounded by a gaggle of women, we think that he is a man's man (even though we know we're dialing feminism back decades). His sexual prowess is so clear to complete strangers, and so we associate it with a strong sense of masculinity. Plus, a guy who is so at ease around women is attractive because he is clearly self-assured enough that it wouldn't stress him out one bit to ask a girl out. Instead of the sweaty, nervous guys who ask if they can kiss us, the jerk seems like the type who would pull us in for a deep kiss while we're in the middle of s sentence. While we know in our heads that this would be a bit of a d-bag move if we weren't into the guy, our hearts (and lady parts) are willing to let the jerk go right ahead. That willingness to grab what they want is attractive, even if it's senseless.
7 We Like the Chase
If nice guys finish last, it's because we're too busy chasing bad boys! As humans, we can be a bit predatory, and even though we often say we want a nice guy to settle down with, we can't deny the allure that is the challenge of the bad boy.
Jerks can't be counted on to keep dates or respond to our texts, but we like that uncertainty, even if it makes us cry into our wine glasses. While good guys are polite, sincere, and respectful, we can rely on them in a way that isn't as electric as the emotional roller coaster of the jerk. When the jerk plays hard to get, we rise to the challenge in an effort to be the one to tame them. Like chocolate, we know they're bad for us, but we can't help going back for more, even if it makes us feel like garbage later. Jerks know how to keep us on the line and we live for the crumbs of moments we get when we finally feel like they've chosen us.
6 We Have Daddy Issues
This sucks, but it's too true to ignore. With the divorce rate what it is and ever-evolving family structures, women are not always guaranteed a strong male authority figure when we're growing up. Maybe he was absent from our lives, either physically or emotionally, or he was outright terrible to us and our mother (or whatever maternal authority figure raised us).
This can give us daddy issues that leave us chasing jerks we don't need in our lives. We're trying to fill a hole that our father (or similar) has left in us, because we think that if we can get a jerk to love us, we will have earned our father's love by proxy. In reality, getting involved with a jerk is just going to lead to more hurt and disappointment, and the likelihood that we'll blame ourselves for the relationship failing. But, it's important to remember that it's not you, it's the jerk.
5 We Have Low Self-Esteem
A lot of people have low self-esteem. We put ourselves under immense pressure to be perfect and succeed in every way, but even when we reach whatever bar we've set for ourselves, we still feel like we're coming up short.
Unfortunately, this can mean we often fall head over heels for jerks, because when they treat us badly, we feel like we deserve it. If we're not respecting ourselves and all the awesome stuff that makes us who we are, why would we expect our SO to respect us? If we truly believe we deserve to be treated like crap, we'll only attract crappy people - it's like they can smell our low self-worth. There's no one who can fix this problem for us - we have to learn to love ourselves before we can truly believe a good person can love us back.
4 We Want to Change Them
This one goes hand-in-hand with liking the chase. There's nothing more attractive than a good challenge and the chance to prove that we are the one woman who can mold the jerk into the dream guy we've been waiting for. We believe his excuses of having a hard life or not being ready for commitment, because we want to show him the stability and love he never had.
Seeing the jerk as a potential project is something we're all guilty of (and if you say you're not, you're lying). We want to save him and enjoy the fruits of our labor when he's eternally grateful to us! But here's the truth: once a jerk, always a jerk. Sure, people can change, but only a little bit - at their core, they remain who they always were. Instead of trying to fix a jerk, we should turn our improvement instincts inwards and figure out why we go for these human catastrophes in the first place.
3 We Don't See the Jerkiness
They say ignorance is bliss, but being wilfuly ignorant is a whole other thing. Have you ever excused a jerk's bad behavior to your friends by telling them, “You just don't know him like I do” or “You don't see how he is when we're together”? Yeah, you're just making excuses for him and to yourself.
When we truly want to see the good in a person, we're willing to overlook the bad, despite everyone telling us otherwise. Admitting that we're involved with a jerk means that we're a poor judge of character, which can make us question a lot more about our other decisions. But, if a jerk can't be a good person to anyone else at any other time, then why are we wasting our energy? Avoiding seeing the jerk for who he truly is only hurts us - and maybe our other relationships in the long run.
2 We Love the Drama
It's a fact that jerks create more drama than nice guys, and sometimes we're drawn to that in spite of ourselves. The drama that jerks bring can be entertaining and interesting, even though it's not good for us. Even though we say we hate drama, sometimes we're just drawn to it because it offers something new and exciting to the stable routine of our lives.
When we're in a dramatic relationship with a jerk, we associate that drama with passion and love, even though it can be anything but. Those blow-out fights and ups and downs become indicators of how they feel about us, and anything else seems boring and passionless. A lack of conflict reads as agreeableness and we shy away from anything too agreeable or comfortable, because we think we'll tire of it. A healthy relationship can still keep you on your toes without all the drama, and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we move on from the jerks!
1 The Bedroom Action is Too Good
When you know someone is bad for you and that you should be staying far away from them, it can make your hook-ups feel even hotter. The taboo of the forbidden fruit is too alluring, and when it feels so good, we're more than willing to look past any infractions - those big Os can feel even bigger when they're the work of a bad boy!
That can be a pretty hard habit to kick, because we're constantly holding nice guys to the same standard, but the relationship is different. Even though you might hate yourself a little for sleeping with the jerk, you excuse it because the sex is phenomenal. With the nice guy, it's good, it's comfortable, but maybe not as hot? Maybe the Os he gives you aren't as intense? Maybe you can't have throw-you-against-the-wall, down-and-dirty sexy time when there's mutual respect involved? But fire that hot burns out quickly, and all you're left with is a bunch of ashes.