15 People Reveal Their Most Awful Intimacy Stories

Bad sex happens to everyone. Usually it's a disturbing little gift known as your first sexual experience wrapped up in a pretty bow and dropped off on your doorstep. As we get older, we'd like to think that our maturation is even all across the board, however these stories go to show that no matter how old you are, sex can go from amazing one night to accidentally kneeing your partner in the throat the next. Just because you have an awkward experience doesn't mean that you don't continue, that is unless the girl you're boinking at the time accuses you of thinking she's ugly and starts crying.

As you peruse through this list of tragic sexual encounters, it will certainly make you think about the terrible bed rocking moments from your past. Now you know that you weren't the only one whose mom interrupted you and your boyfriend just to tell him there were cookies in the kitchen once you two were finished. I mean, who doesn't like post-sex cookies?

These 15 stories from real people are sometimes shocking, sometimes hilarious. You'll probably feel better about your own bad encounters at least. Take a look:

15 Tin Of Cookies

There aren't many things more terrifying than having a parent walk while you're trying to get it on. These frisky teenagers thought they would get in a little alone time while hanging out in the girlfriend's room, but a knock on the door put a stop to their intimate activities and almost gave them a heart attack.

"We just changed positions and started anew when I hear a knock on the door and the doorknob starts turning. I cannot describe the sense of dread that came over me as we quickly tried to jump under the covers and cover our nakedness as much as possible, but there's no hiding what we were doing. I was caught, and her Dad was going to kill me and bury me in the back yard. It was a done deal in my mind."

Instead, it was the girl's mom who politely apologized for interrupting and let them know that she made the boy some cookies to take home. It's better than her offering up her secret tips.

14 Treat Me Like Garbage

This guy was dating a girl for two months when they decided to take their relationship to the next level. While that does involve sex, it doesn't involve putting your significant other in a trash bag.

"My girlfriend, 2 months at the time, asking me to put her into a garbage bag. I wondered where she was going with this so I obliged. As I tied the ends together I will never forget the muffled words from within, 'Now poke a hole in the bag and [have sex with] me through it!'… This wasn't so bad, but after a good session of me [having sex with] a garbage bag girl she asked me to pee onto the bag. I couldn't do this, so I poured a warm cup to tea I had nearby. 'This is tea!' the bag replied. Worst experience ever."

13 Am I That Ugly?

Everything is all fun and games until someone starts crying in the middle of the action. A guy meets a girl at a bar and had enough game to get her back to his place. While undressing he had a little fun and swung his shirt above him and gently tossed it playfully on her head. She didn't move it. Then things got weird.

"I start having sex with her while this shirt is still on her head. She begins crying uncontrollably and starts saying, 'OH MY GOD, AM I THAT F****** UGLY?!' I try to calm her down and tell her it was JUST a joke. As she continues her tirade whilst dressing, she smashed 2 of my lamps and damaged the corner of my brand new LCD. It happened so quickly and I was in drunken shock."

12 Tied Up In Knots

There are so many precautions you have to take before tying someone up to a bed for a night of kinky lovemaking. Safety words, the right materials you're going to use when you take your trip to Naughty Town, oh and making sure your girlfriend's parents aren't going to walk in as you're tying their daughter to the bedpost.

"I viciously tried to undo the knotting but soon realized there was no way I'd be able to pull it off on time. I figured it would be best to get dressed myself then and started putting on my clothes. The door opens and the look on her mother's disgruntled face (who was passionately convinced that her daughter still was a virgin) still makes me wake up bathing in sweat every now and then."

11 Seize The Day

People with medical conditions need to be particularly careful during their "roll in the hay" times because they never know what will happen to them physically. This girl thought that she was just going to hook up with a former fling but instead of a night of pleasure, it was a night of panic.

"Mine happened today, actually. I ended up making out with a friend/former fling, and then he stiffened up and had a grand mal seizure. Yup. Immediately after his seizure began, he rolls on top of me, pinning me to the couch. I run for my roommate after forcing my still seizing friend off of me, and we call the ambulance while my friend continues to seize. He comes out of it, the paramedics arrive, and it turns out he forgot to take his medicine. He's fine, in case you were concerned."

10 The Best Edition

Not every virgin that is curious about sex is ready. This couple didn't even to do the horizontal mambo because as soon as the hot nerd saw his first pair of breasts, he freaked out and did what any sexually terrified bookworm would do in that situation.

"We didn't get as far as having sex… In college I was making out with a pretty hot (but also pretty nerdy) guy. Little did I know just how nerdy he was. My shirt comes off and he suddenly looks kind of terrified, looks quickly towards the door. I thought maybe my suite mate had walked in or something, but NO! He was looking at the bookshelf next to my door! He jumped up, grabbed an economics textbook off the shelf, and exclaimed, 'I've never seen this edition before!' He proceeds to rifle through the book while I put my shirt back on. My boobs have never felt so rejected."

9 Smooth Move

We would rather look sexy trying to undress while fooling around with our partners, but sometimes those attempts end up making us look clumsy. For this couple, that was the least of their worries, as the woman was trying to pull off a take-off-your-clothes-in-one-swift-move trick, she ended up almost knocking out her boyfriend. Sex can be pretty dangerous sometimes.

"My girlfriend my sophomore year in college and I were messing around on my bed. I tried to do some champ move of lifting her legs straight up and pulling her pants off in one move. She wasn't that flexible, so as her pants flew off her legs came down hard into my chest knocking me backwards off my bed. I landed on my back on a dumbbell I had on the floor and fractured a rib."

8 How Does It Feel?

Doing impersonations while getting it on is only a good idea if the person you're bumping and grinding with is in on the experience. Just because your boyfriend is obsessed with Bob Dylan doesn't mean that you should start talking like the musician as your man is on top of you.

"It was my third time having sex ever with my boyfriend at the time. It was past the point where it was painful but I didn't know what I liked, he didn't know what he was doing so I was star-fishing while he went at it. My mind was wandering. I started thinking about Bob Dylan (my boyfriend was really into Bob Dylan) and I thought of the most brilliant joke in the world. So he's still f** me and I whisper 'Hey… HEY!' and he says 'What?' and I, in my best Bob Dylan voice, yell, 'HOW DOES IT FEEEEEEEEL?' He didn't think it was funny."

7 Needy Kitty

You might be in the mood for some hanky panky, but we can guarantee that your cat will not care. If they feel as if you're neglecting your responsibility to love and nurture them at the drop of a dime, they'll interrupt any and everything you're doing for five minutes of affection. That includes climbing on your boyfriend's back to stare you down in the middle of sex.

"My boyfriend and I were messing around, and my cat thought it would be the perfect time to be needy. She walked around us yowling, and when we tried to shoo her away she tried to crawl between us to lay on my chest. She eventually went away, so we continued. As soon as insertion happened, I see a kitty face pop up over my boyfriend's shoulder. We both burst out laughing while she sits on his back meowing. We decided to stop and give the damn cat some attention, but by then she decided that her work was done and ran off to hide."

6 P.S. I Love You

It's not a bad thing to tell someone that you love them while in the middle of nookie. However, if they don't say it back, don't ask for the feelings to be verbally reciprocated if you don't already know that they feel exactly the same way.

"This will probably be buried but I had started seeing a guy who was basically rebound for a long term relationship. We were getting it on one night about 3 weeks into seeing each other. The intimacy was absolutely awful and I was planning on ending it soon. I couldn't understand how someone could be SO BAD at it. So anyways we're getting it on and he goes, 'I love you.' I hope it's a drunken thing he blurted out on accident so I completely ignore it. After a couple of silent second he asks, 'Do you love me too?' I am drunk and freaked out and blurt out 'I don't know… maybe?' But it's obvious the answer is no. He rolls off me and starts crying. Not kind of sad or anything but full blown cries, he's practically sobbing. I had no idea what to do and rubbed his back for a little while. It was the weirdest thing of my life. I should have just walked away."

5 A Broken Peter

Ouch! After a long night of drinking whiskey, this guy was able to get laid by a random girl he met. The pair was going at it hard when he heard a loud sound before his man-part went soft. He immediately grabs himself and notices that his condom is ballooning, swelling up with blood. He says he ran to the bathroom to check on himself, only to see that he needed to be in the hospital.

"Sprinted to the bathroom and lost about a pint of blood. Ran out of the apartment with a brief apology for the state of the bathroom, and had to explain to the emergency room via pantomime 'my [penis] broke.' Given that I live in China, this was time-consuming.Turns out I had fractured my [penis] so badly that my urethra had ruptured, hence the bleeding out. Try explaining to your family and co-workers the reason for your brand new catheter - which I had to wear for a full month - and why you're walking like you just crossed the gobi on horseback, and you'll get why I was happy to see the end of October."

4 The Messy Guy

Guys get a bad wrap for always having messy living areas, especially their rooms. While even messy guys need love, too, we have to draw the line at living in a downright toxic environment. This girl was so ready for some action she ignored the signs of poor hygiene and lack of discipline. Ugh.

"We went to his room and it was so gross - messy, smelled like rotting food, dirty sheets.[… ]The guy was rail thin, and when he lay down on top of me, his ribcage and hipbones jabbed into me. It was all over in about 3 thrusts, and he pulls out to [ejaculate] on my stomach. He looks down, grabs a crusty sock from the floor and hands it to me to clean myself up with. That sock had seen its share of action, I assure you. I declined, and said I'd just go to the bathroom and clean up properly. He didn't bother telling me, but there was a hornets nest in the bathroom! There were dead hornets all over the place, like they'd been swatted at for days, and lots more flying around. I went back to the bedroom and cleaned myself off with a shirt I took from his closet while he was asleep. I quickly got dressed and left."

3 The Alphabet Song

The mind can wander off to obscure thoughts while you're shaking the sheets, so sometimes in order to concentrate on the task as hand, a person can come up with a personal routine or ritual. As much as one can appreciate their partner doing their best to stay focused at the task at hand, repeatedly mouthing the words to the alphabet song in the middle of intercourse - especially in a way where your partner can awkwardly see your face - might keep you doing your job, but has now distracted the person you're with.

"A guy that mouthed out the alphabet while we were doing it. Not a word, just the faces. A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I… his mouth wide open and his eyes clutched shut. When he got to the end he started over again. Took a while to realize what he was doing. I have no idea why he was doing it though. It was just bizarre."

2 Crazy Cop

"Went home with a cop, he flashed his gun at me, also had a micropenis, and a ton of empty large (some human-sized) cages in his house. I survived, and the next day got into his cop car, he put on his flashers and sped through lights/over sidewalks to get me to the subway."

Points for her for being with someone that can keep you safe. We subtract points because he has freaking multiple cages in his house. That wasn't followed up with, "You know, the cages weren't that big of a deal because on his off time he fosters multiple dogs who are just days away from being euthanized." We need an explanation. We add points for speeding with the flashers on but have to minus points because of his micro… you know.

1 He's Dominating You

A little dirty talk every now and again between intimate partners can throw a little gasoline on the already lit fire of passion. It can take a night of getting busy from a 4 to a 8, even a 9.5 if you're doing it right. And by "right" we don't mean screaming out your domination fantasy when you haven't even shared it with the other person.

"I had a hotel room for a night while I was visiting some friends in another town. Took a dude back who it turned out liked to… ahem… talk. I buried my face in the pillow to stifle my laughter as he told me 'I'M DOMINATING YOU. YOU WILL TAKE WHAT I HAVE TO GIVE.' The best part is that I sorta stayed friends with him even though he was a bit of a douche and introduced him to other friends (who I also told all about his propensity for domination). He was being a jerk at a party one time when the drunkest person there got right up in his face and yelled, 'I'M DOMINATING YOU!' I haven't seen him since then."