15 Of The Worst Online Dating Profiles Ever
There used to be a stigma about finding love online, but now it's the norm. More than 70 percent of Americans are online, with 15 percent of Internet users using dating apps and websites to find partners and hookups. About 80 percent of those that swipe right and put up profiles say it's a great way to meet people, and more than 60 percent say it's far easier than traditional methods of meeting potential mates - you know, like having to actually leave the house and be social.
There are no shortages of tutorials, analyses, and even photo enhancement apps to make sure our online profiles show our best (if not slightly enhanced) self. While most people present a pretty picture of their true nature, some people take it a little too far. Honesty may be the best policy, but so is leaving a little to the imagination, and a lot to be learned by actually meeting in person. A dating profile is supposed to be a hint and preview, not a memoir and a platform for ranting.
For every nice, clean photo and short and sweet write-up on a dating site, there are at least three that have potential suitors taking a vow of chastity and heading for hills. If you want to find love online, kudos. You probably will. It's a very popular way to get a date - just learn from these 15 worst dating profiles so you wind up with an actual date instead of a lonely inbox.
15 Chuck: The Wedding Band Says What His Profile Doesn't
Behold, Chuck. Chuck is a sweet guy. He obviously takes care of himself. Look at that trim body and clean-shaven face. Nice cheekbones too. He's a man of the world, as evidenced by the adult beverage and knowing smirk. Expensive clothes and a modern haircut round out his handsome looks. He's such a catch that he's already been caught. For all his suaveness, Chuck is forgetful. If he was really thinking straight, he would have taken off his wedding ring -- unless Chuck thinks he's just so suave that his wife won't mind him trolling for babes? Or perhaps he and his wife have an understanding where their relationship is open - and after a few dates with you, he'll actually tell his wife about their new, open marriage. It's common for married men to show up on dating sites looking for a little fun, but few are as open about it as Chuck.
14 RosefaceKillah: She Admits to Being Crazy
Girls get a bad rap sometimes. Just because some ladies get a little cuckoo when they are ignored and send a tidal wave of texts doesn't mean every girl is going to go gaga when you are too busy to text back -- except for Rose. She will absolutely go insane and she's warning you ahead of time. At least she is honest! “I'm not down to earth at all” is about as honest as one can start a profile, and promising to show up at your house drunk and weepy in the wee hours of the morning? That's next level craziness. We get that not everyone likes the delicate flavor of tea, and perhaps even the distaste of sunshine can be acceptable (someone has to live in Alaska, after all) but not liking cider? Cider? Rose! What kind of a woman are you! Oh right… the kind that could potentially stab her suitor in his sleep if he failed to respond to her text.
13 IWontMurderYou - Good to Know
This guy wants to put you at ease so badly that he wastes no time in putting your greatest fear to rest. He is not going to murder you. No way, no how. He's not going to ask you to meet him in at his uncle's hunting cabin off the grid. He's not going to tell you to leave your cell phone at home and not tell anyone where you are going. He is absolutely not going to bring a shovel - oh wait. Yes, he is. He likes to dig. Dig what? Graves? His world, as he describes it, is magical because of all the no murdering going on. This is a man that does not have murder on his mind. Not at all. He's just a guy that likes to have fun by constantly resisting the urge to murder his dates. Feeling safer yet ladies? Did he mention he's from the city made famous by a strangler?
12 Religious Guy - Oversharing is (Not) The Key to Romance
When we talk about not taking the mystery and intrigue out of a date, we usually think of ladies wearing too little or young guys that write their life stories and future dreams into their profile. Make no mistake, those over a certain age can take the mystery right out at first blush too. Case in point, this gentlemen that is SHOUTING AT YOU by typing in all caps. Hey, that's okay. Not everyone knows about the all caps rule, right? But everyone knows that religion and politics are sticky subjects to bring up before you even meet your date. A profile description like this turns off suitors that may have been interested once they got to know more, and leading by “preparing for death” is a bit of a downer. It's good to be honest, but to get more dates, share some things at the first coffee meeting instead of online.
11 Registered Offender - Back away. Just Back Away
Oh. Wow. Just… .so much nope going on here. Look, dude, we get it. You're honest - but really? Actually, this guy that looks like he could absolutely hold down an unwilling victim easily is doing us all a really big favor. We know that he has offended not once, not twice but THREE times. That shows poor impulse control. He's showing us his size and strength. That is a warning. His attempt at humor points out that he hit his victims. That's a massively big alarm bell clanging like there's no tomorrow. He's given us everything we need to know about him in his profile, and he's kept it short and sweet. The ball is in our court with this one, ladies. I suggest taking that ball and running for the nearest exit as fast as you can. It's interesting that he's at 94 percent “enemy” with a potential match. Again, you have been warned!
10 Apples: Poor Presentation of an Otherwise Lovely Girl
What more do we need to know, Apples? What more do we need to know? So much more! What are your hobbies? What is your career? Do you like long walks on the beach? The cute, freckled, girl-next-door look is ruined by two things. First, calling your parents names is a no-no. That screams of family issues and that can get your profile overlooked faster than promising to not murder your dates (which you think would be a good thing) or promising to save their souls (see both examples above). Now let's address the elephant in the room, shall we? Putting an apple in your mouth is reminiscent of the succulent roasted pig appreciated at cookouts, and honey, you deserve so much more than that comparison. Clearly, you are cute and have a sense of humor, so show your true self. Show the photo that gets the boys wanting to know more, not the parody that makes it look like you don't believe in yourself.
9 Rachel: She's Very Hungry
A couple of years ago, a story floated around the Internet about a woman that set up a profile just so she could eat at fancy restaurants and have her date pick up the tab. Stories also abound about men that date beautiful women, but turn out to be nothing but dine-and-dashers, leaving their date with nothing but disgust and a huge restaurant tab. Rachel is not this type of girl. She's very honest about wanting nothing but the sweet romance of Chipotle out of this endeavor. She's so serious about her love of the Mexican food chain that she's spent far more time working on her profile photo than most girls, accurately depicting her and her love, together forever, at least until the fiber kicks in. Last year, Chipotle ranked 39th in Forbes' The World's Most Innovating Companies list, so clearly, hungry Rachel has high standards and an eye for success.
8 Conspiracy Man: He Wants a Co-Conspirator
Inexplicably, Conspiracy Man went for most of his life without the carnal knowledge of a member of the opposite gender. It can be tough to find a mate when most of what you believe flies in the face of generally accepted, scientifically proven, peer-reviewed, facts. Sweetly, he updated his status after finding someone that shared his views, or at least, his bed - but he's still out there looking. I mean, he's really out there. Very much out there. How will this date take place? He'll bring his own filtered water to the restaurant. It will be a farm-to-table restaurant where the table is literally in the middle of the farm to avoid toxins like MSG, but that table won't be under any flight paths because of chemtrails. But hey, if that's your thing, go for it and quite frankly, after the mess of a world that 2016 turned out to be, Conspiracy Man just may be on to something here.
7 Lonely Eric: Zero Chase in This Game
Here we have a prime example of what NOT to do when setting up your profile. If you are on an online dating site, you are already sending a very clear message that you are in the market for a girlfriend or boyfriend. It's implied. It's taken for granted. Lonely Eric seems to have missed this point and has completely overstepped the line between looking for a date and looking like a dude that is going to cling to you like superglue. We get it. It's a great big world out there and it's lonely when you are single, but you don't have to be so obvious! Begging for a date is never a good idea and his profile gives zero hints about his personality, likes and hobbies. The desperation in this profile is sad. Eric, don't advertise your single status! Take some photos of yourself doing the things you love, like playing fetch with your cute puppy.
6 Don't_Email_Me: Deluded Single White Male
Well, what have we here? Duck face? Oh, be still my beating heart! This profile couldn't get any better, could it? Of course it could! He's soooooo desirable that he gets tens of thousands of emails every single day and he is so **yawn** tired of browsing beautiful babes that he just cannot lift a muscle-bound finger to open the emails that come from ladies that are not perfect - like him. Ladies, you have to change to get with this hot slab of man meat. You can't have your own opinion, hobbies, likes or thoughts, and if you are normal sized? Oh, honey. He's got the quarter test and he's not afraid to use it. How is it even possible that this pensive Romeo is single at 39? Who could resist the heap of lying douchebaggary that this profile presents? Every lady that knows her worth, that's who.
5 Jake: Jake is Like, So Totally Random
Ladies. Meet Jake. Jake is so random and unflappable that you are assured of a good time. He's also going to kiss you on the first date because that's what random Jake does. His dates are so, like, totally intense, you know? He demonstrates a remarkable lack of concern for your safety by romantically putting candles in his Kia. Sweet, right? Random. Yeah, candles in cars are a cause of fiery death, but that's just how Jake rolls. Thoughtful Jake will take you to where you want to eat (Check him out, hungry Rachel) but he won't extinguish those candles in the car. Why? Because when the car bursts into flames, he's gonna make you s'mores. Cause that's Jake, baby -- as smooth and laid-back as they come. Then he'll kiss you because when you're facing the wrath of your insurance company, what are you going to do? Freak out? No. Not Jake. He's going to give his underwriter s'mores, too.
4 Toothless Man is Very Confusing
Is this man confusing or is he just confused? Several things are off-putting here even before we get to the dubious mess that is his profile answers. Let's start with the lighting. Dating sites coach users to take photos in a flattering light; otherwise you wind up looking like a deranged serial killer looking to draw hapless females to your trailer for shooting. Yes, shooting. His words, not mine. Is he dreaming of shooting women or women shooting things? We will never know because in addition to those two words packing a big punch of nope, there is the question of why this shadowy lurker has no teeth. If it's bad hygiene, ew! If it was an accident, an explanation would be very useful here. If it was because he pulled them out slowly one by one, we'd believe it. Between the shootin' and the of toothin', this guy gets a wide berth.
3 Lotje: Does she Want a Hookup or a Home?
A picture really does say 1,000 words and in this case, all of those words are “whaaaaaaat?” Oh Lotje. What in the name of a hot mess do we have going on here? We can't tell if you are camping or if you are living in that van. Perhaps we are all spoiled by the sweet, sweet stylings of Tiny House Nation, but we're seeing a little shelf for your things on the left and a light fixture made of upcycled clothes hangers sitting jauntily off center. Okay, if Lotje is homeless, we are not going to poke fun. It's a good thing she has a place out of the elements; but perhaps she's not homeless at all, just Boeheim. Maybe she lives the wanderer's lifestyle and likes a little mess and chaos in her life. Lotje's photo may be puzzling but admit it! You want to contact her so you can learn her story.
2 Erik: Clowning Around
Every now and then you run across a dating profile where the man or women is very openly seeking a “third” for a bit of fun, or another couple to really spice up date night, if you know what I mean. Ok, cool -- to each their own. It's even better when the other person in the relationship actually knows about it, as is clearly the case here. It's not the fact that Erik is a little person - people come in all shapes and sizes, and that's great. It's not the fact that his fiancé is tall and stately. She's very pretty. Go Erik. Nice catch. It's that van. If this photo is adequately depicting the personalities of these performers, they have nailed it. Headless nude Barbie? Rubber chicken checking out chicken painting? Majorette costumes? In a sea of dubious profiles, this one gets all the points for transparency and creativity.
1 AsianTom: A Straight Up Bully
Again, honesty is not always the best policy because with this (terrible) profile description, we have no idea if Tom is trying to be funny or if he really is this much of a bully. The worst thing about this, though, is the 70 percent match he found with someone. Most profiles of this nature turn out to be 90 percent enemy… .as it should be! The dating world is hard enough without people actively promising to prey on your insecurities and cut you down - and people being accepting of that as though it's okay. It's not okay to make anyone feel worthless. It's not okay to insult someone's moral code if it's a good, lawful and considerate one, and ladies, it's never, never, never okay to actively seek out a man that will abuse you just because you lack self-esteem. If he's being serious on his profile, AsianTom is a bully. Pass.