15 Lies We Tell Ourselves About Marriage
Everyone's got something to say about marriage. And to be honest, most of what they have to say is only from their own experiences. Don't discredit other people's experiences, they mean well when they try to help, but realize that your experience will be unique, it might resemble other experiences, but ultimately your marriage will be yours and yours only. There is not one type of marriage, there are millions of marriages and each one is as unique as the next. We look at our parent's marriage as an example; and many times we learn what we do and don't want based on our observation of their marriage. However, the truth is, many of those things we despise will leak their way into our own marriage. We look at other people's marriage, to Hollywood, to friends -we hope that our marriage will reflect at least a sliver of all of that happiness. It might, but it might not. No doubt, the world around us influence us, even in our marriages; yet, what determines things will be our own ability to deal with or reject any given situation at hand. Marriage is a journey, so enjoy it for what it is -an unexplored road that you investigate with a person of your choice. But don't lie to yourself about what marriage really is, otherwise you will be disappointed.
15 Sleep, best ever
You will not have the best sleep ever, that stuff is from the movies, from tumblr and Instagram -basically from fantasy island where the truth is not allowed. Sleeping with your life partner can be a million baby puppies and kitties and bunnies, no doubt, but after a while, you will want your own space. You want your own space to breathe, to move your body, and to just be. You think you won't get tired of spooning and interlocking limbs and sleeping on each other's chests, etc., but you will, oh, darling you will. There's snoring and drooling to deal with; and none of that stuff is realer than a few years into the marriage. The marriage bed also becomes a place where you do lots of other things besides sleep, so don't get so tied to the idea that it will be your chill haven; it can be a work place, a dining room table, and a laundry hamper.
14 Safe (but when he's not there you freak out)
You think you're safe now because you're married. You feel secure. You feel like should things go down at any place or any time, you've got someone who's got your back. And that's true, totally true; marriage makes us feel protected and makes us want to protect, too. However, once you get used to being with your partner all the time, being without him can make you feel all exposed and vulnerable as hell. Even going to the grocery store might feel like a dangerous activity, like what if there's an accident or a terrorist attack or you choke. Of course, these are exaggerated scenarios created in our crazy little heads, but you will worry a bit, trust me. At home alone or sleeping alone will be the worst, you will feel like all the creeps came out at night and they know that you're sans partner.
13 Together all the time, yes (you will miss your space, girl)
People take all these couple selfies like all the time, all the damn time. They make marriage look like some blissful state from which they never ever want to leave. They make marriage look dreamy. While it can be, one thing that those selfies don't tell you is that spending time together all the time ain't easy. You fight, you get bored of each other, you are sick of one another, and you fight some more. Those selfies are more than likely a forced attempt at happiness or a last resort option to end the all-day bickering. You will want space, like your body and brain will both demand it. Don't be afraid to ask for it. No space will mean insanity. No space will mean the end is coming. The idea that you could be happy spending every waking second with another human being is not humanly possible and a real human invention of Hollywood movies.
12 Solve non-married couple problems
Why do all married couple think they are marriage experts. You are not a marriage expert, counselor, therapist, psychologist, or other just because you are married. That does not give you credentials or enough experience. You gotta be married for at least a few decades and even then, beware. Sure, we can give advice or be supportive -but in small doses. But there are some couples who think that right after the honeymoon has ended, they have raised ranks and can now comment on any and everything as related to marriage. Some of these couples even tell seasoned couples how to do the marriage thing. Remember, each marriage works according to which rules and regulations suit it best; therefore, it's best you don't butt-in unless you've been asked. You are not a freelance relationship healer, just relax and worry about your own, please.
11 Gender roles, bye
You'd better forget about gender roles. You will not always been the cute, dolled up princess, the ultra-feminine entity of the house who deserves special treatment, sorry. At times, your partner will need to feel pampered and adored, too; there might be moments that your partner needs a mani-pedi or deserves a nice breakfast in bed. You will not be free from taking out the trash or trying to fix some plumbing issue. Emergencies will call for whoever is closest to the problem to solve it. You will work in tandem and your teamwork ethic is not based on gender roles. Throw that antiquated standard out the window. To survive as a couple, you will need to be flexible and that means sometimes you will wear the pants. This has nothing to do with sexuality, remember gender identity is separate from sexuality; Life Studies 101.
10 Bad habits, no problem (yes, problem, you will be living with them 24/7)
Already, you're like, That's my boo and nothing she/he does will annoy me, I love my boo. Ok, girl, yes, you do, but getting bothered by your boo does not mean you love her/him any less. Let's keep it real. We get on each other's nerves. That's what we do as human beings. We get on our family's nerves and they get on our. We get on our friend's nerves and they get on ours. We get on our partner's nerves, well, you get the picture here. It's part of human nature, it's inevitable. If you think that your love is so strong that all those habits, some of them not so bad but others worse than worse, will not try your patience, you've got another thing coming, darling. You'd better realize now, just go on and accept it. Your partner will annoy you to death; love her/him despite and in spite of. That's real love. And that's one of the best lessons you can learn about being married. You're welcome.
9 Cuddle time forever
No, just no -stop. You cannot cuddle forever. First of all, y'all got jobs and houses to run. You've got responsibilities. Second of all, you need a real social life; together and then apart from each other. Third, cuddling will lose it's luster if you do it all the time. Again, do not believe the hype of movies and social media. Whenever you see couples cuddled up deep in love, be advised -it's staged. Again, do not fall victim to online life, it's not real, y'all. Cuddling is great, but in small amounts. And if you save cuddling for those moments when you really need it, rather than feeling obligated or pressured, it will make y'all's bond stronger, reduce stress, and build trust. Hugging can also have the same results if you hug for at least seven seconds. So if you can't find the time to cuddle or just can't be bothered, replace all that cuddle time with a seven second hug and you're good to go.
8 It's not that hard (hardest thing ever)
Girl, if you think that marriage is easy breezy, you'd better go and talk to your mother or your grandmother. It is no such thing. You might think that being boo-ed up for years means that your marriage has stood the test of time and that the ceremony and piece of paper won't change a damn thing. But you're wrong. Somehow those symbolic gestures and proofs of love do change the dynamics of any and all relationships. Granted, some of y'all won't suffer the pains of marriage like others do, but let it be known that marriage does change things for the better or for worse; but in all cases, both. Marriage is work all the time. It's putting up with things, it's patience, it's swallowing your pride, it's being the bigger person, it's being a person you never thought you could be, it's also being a person you never wanted to be, too. It's hard, but that does not mean it's not rewarding. It's a work in progress; so don't rush it and don't jump out right when the going gets tough. Let the marriage be a testament of your personal values and abilities. Be stronger than you ever thought possible.
7 I will never leave her/him (you will threaten a million times)
You might not want to leave her/him, but you will surely threaten at least a million times. You think nothing can break the bonds of love, that marriage is forever and no matter what you'll stick by her/his side. Then the no-matter-what situation arises and you are having second thoughts, you're emotions are all tied up in years of hard-work, your heart is sewn to hers/his. Just be prepared for it. You will threaten to leave; and so will she/he. This only means y'all are frustrated and you don't see a way out; you can't see the solution for all the other stuff that's getting in the way. You can't see the forest for the trees. And that's fine. You are not the first or the last couple who has gone through this, recognize it, accept it, talk about it, and try to move on. But if these threats become a daily occurrence, then you'd better consider professional help or calling it quits. Not all marriages are meant to last, honey, that's a fact.
6 She/he will never leave me (he will if you keep thinking like that)
If you think your spouse is not capable of leaving you, you'd better think again. Never put it past your spouse. Never put anything past her/him. All things are possible in a marriage; and the impossible is likely to occur. If you think you're partner won't leave, you've got another thing coming, sweetheart. In the thick of things, the strangest things happen -be ready for it. Just when you think it couldn't happen, it will, and it just did. We are irrational creatures at times and nothing we do under the guise of love has much logic. If you are so certain your spouse is there through thick and thin, keeping fooling yourself. Even the best of the best spouses have limits and sometimes the unexpected comes at you hard and even when you're sleeping. The most loyal will become unfaithful and the most honest a liar. Not saying it's 100%, not at all, but don't be shocked should your spouse leave you for whatever reason.
5 She/he loves me regardless (true, but you gotta do you part & keep that things tight)
Love is blind, yadda-yadda. Ok, don't let me be all cynical. Love can be blind, sure enough. However, that doesn't mean you can just forego any and all rituals that you once did that got you the partner of your dreams in the first place. Of course, you're entitled to change, but don't hope for the best because we are all creatures of habit. Some partners are more forgiving than others; some will welcome change like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. But others will shy away. If you have a workout routine, keep that body tight and keep it right. If you eat well, don't start indulging in junk food now because you got that ring on your finger. If you like to look nice, don't slip because other girls out here looking nice, too. Keep up on your routines, but more importantly keep up on yourself. If you take care of yourself, you are telling our partner that you love yourself. That's probably the most attractive quality about anyone -a good healthy sense of self.
4 Babies are the natural next step (nope, not if you're of a different breed)
The baby carriage does not follow soon after marriage vows, that is, not if you don't want it to; don't let childish nursery rhymes dictate how you live your life, honey. Not all couples are meant to have babies, it's not in everyone's ideal life plan. Don't feel pressured and don't think, Oh, my gosh, we're married and now we gotta have like a few babies, we'd better hurry up. Stop that mess. Have your babies when you and your partner are ready and not a second sooner. Have babies if you really want babies. There is no rule. Marriage does not mean you are required, by law, to have off-spring. Humans are animals, indeed, but what we have working for us is our brain. We have ways to prevent pregnancy and ways to avoid it. Marriage is not a package deal; it does not automatically come with a set of children. So whether you want children or not, keep in mind that it's your life and your happiness you seek and not that of other people. Chill out grandma and grandpa.
3 Fighting, no big deal
This is not to say that marriage is synonymous with fighting, but there is a lot of fighting included in married life. At first, it might feel overwhelming when you notice that fighting does become a pretty normal thing, but don't worry, fighting means that you care enough to be emotionally invested. When you don't fight, when there's indifference that's when you should raise a red flag or maybe a white flag to surrender the relationship. At some point, you will realize that fighting is a good way to understand boundaries, create limits, and value self. Decide if picking a fight is worth it; sometimes it's best to pick chose your battles; don't invest in war, but invest in solutions. However, if fighting becomes violent or if it happens on a daily basis, consult help. While fighting on a regular basis can be exhausting, you shouldn't feel distraught; things eventually get better.
2 Going to bed angry, never
There's an old proverb that married couples should not go to bed angry. In theory, this is ideal, but life doesn't work according to what is ideal or perfect. You will go to bed angry and it's nothing to feel guilty about. You will go to bed angry because you can't be bothered, you're too tired, you don't have the words, and sometimes sleeping on things is better than dealing with them immediately. Not all proverbs should be followed. Do what works best for you, do what works best for your marriage. If going to bed angry helps resolve problems, do it. If sleeping in separate rooms works for you, then do it. Don't let anyone else's marriage standards influence your own. Rules are made to be broken and if you adhere to all the rules in a marriage, you run the risk of having an unhappy marriage like millions of other couples who followed those social standards and ideas about marriage.
1 Make-up nookie, maybe
So, you've heard of this thing called make-up sex. Perhaps you've even had it. Sure, it exists, sure it's one of the best parts of a relationship, but when it comes to marriage everything you did before marriage might not get transferred to the actual marriage. Make-up sex is healthy and more couples should engage in it more often. It creates bonds, it lessens stress, it keeps couples loving each other. But sometimes the fight doesn't call for make-up sex, sometimes you're just too hurt, sometimes you need some space -all of those reasons are acceptable. Not every fight requires make-up sex, actually some fights demand other resolutions. Again, this is where you apply your own logic to the marriage, but don't feel bad about not having make-up sex and don't think all couples are having it. Make-up sex is a luxury at times. If you're fortunate enough to have it, good for you; if not, there's always next time.