15 Confessions Of A 20-Something-Year-Old Who's Never Been Kissed
If you ever sat through one of the classic chic flicks and high school movies of the 90s, Never Been Kissed, and thought to yourself about Drew Barrymore's 25-year-old character who's never had a "true first kiss," "That's adorable, but that can't be real," then, with all due respect, you are wrong (I mean, I wish you were right, but… nope, wrong). It can be real, and it is very real for some people, like yours truly (bows with a flourish). My lips have never touched another pair of lips, no smooch, no peck, nada, and I am in my twenties.
I remember entering high school, thinking and even dreaming about the ideal first kiss, wondering who it will be with, what the circumstances will entail, how special it would be, and how it would feel. Now I'm in my twenties, wondering if that man will ever come, whether any circumstance will ever lead to it, whether it's even worth the hype, and still how in carnations that would bloody feel.
If you're sitting there, thinking, "That's adorable, but-but this really can't be real," then strap in tight (or let your brain wander off in a bout of nostalgia as you flash back to your own sweet first kiss or shudder at the awkwardness of it all) because about a decade after most people lock lips for the first time, I am still kiss-less and ready to confess! Confess that…
15 I wonder if there's something wrong with me
I still didn't get my first kiss at this age when most people seem to have gotten it around high school, so is there something wrong with me? It's a natural question--as it is in any case where you find yourself outside the "social norm." The first kiss seems like something that most teenagers go through as a rite of passage, so is it really that weird that I haven't experienced it yet, even after graduating college? Of course this one question then branches out into others, like am I just too picky? Am I an awkward person? Am I not desirable? Am I not attracting the right people? Am I not putting myself out there enough? Sometimes, depending on my mood, I mellow in self-doubt and uncertainty, trying to figure myself out like I'm some complicated scientific equation that doesn't quite fit in to the biology of the world.
14 I dread the infamous "sloppy first kiss (the one-sided version)"
I mean, when I was young, I definitely had unrealistic expectations of what the precious first kiss would be like. I didn't have anything specific in mind, it would just be magical (think Mia's foot popping in Princess Diaries magical). At the same time, I heard a lot of accounts on how awkward and sloppy it actually is because, usually, neither party really knows what he/she is doing. Imagine two teenagers just sort of pressing their lips against each other and moving them around cluelessly. And that would totally be okay. But now, at my age, I'll likely be sharing my first kiss with someone much more experienced than I am. At this point, it won't be two people sloppily kissing--just me. Perhaps I'll slobber. Perhaps I just won't move at all, like the touch of his lips was an act of petrification. Is there even a middle ground in this spectrum? Maybe I'll be a total natural, but that seems unlikely (keeping my fingers crossed).
13 I'm a bit creeped out by the thought of another tongue in my mouth
I may emotionally still be at the level of a teen because I just want to say, "Ew." I can't really imagine someone else's slimy tongue wriggling around inside my mouth. It seems invasive and unsanitary. Which I know might be a sign of immaturity akin to yelling "Cooties" and skedaddling on out of there--but isn't it also a sign of just natural human aversion to grossness? No? I can definitely say that it's not something I'm particularly eager about. Especially when I sometimes see people really getting at it on TV with their mouths wide open, I cringe and think that looks a bit nasty. It will definitely be weird for me at first, but I'll worry about that later…
12 I worry that men will be turned off by it
I do think that some men, if they knew, would think it's a bit weird and they'll likewise enter into the stage of figuring out what's wrong with me. Maybe we could brainstorm about it together. They also might not be attracted to someone who's so clueless and inexperienced. There are indeed some men who are not that fond of or attracted to "innocent" women. They want a fun, sexy, brazen, and outgoing woman, not a clueless girl they'd have to direct and whom they'd feel uncomfortable around. If that's the case, it'd definitely be saddening for me, especially if I really like the guy, but I'd also have to acknowledge that it probably would not have worked out in the long run then, anyway. I'll just shrug, snap my fingers, and go, "So close!"
11 I worry that men will be turned on by it
On the other hand, there are some creepy men out there who actually prefer the woman be this innocent, clueless girl, and that is a major turn off for me. I do not want to be creeped on, no thank you, sir! I think it's sort of perverse when people are intrigued and attracted to those who have no experience in romantic or sexual relations (think of the whole 'lolita/shotaro' concept and proceed to puke). That's not particularly a normal response, either. It'd be great if I could just find a middle ground. Meanwhile, if anyone's romantic interest is unnaturally perked by my never being kissed, I will fully turn on all signs that I don't want none of that! Hey, just because this girl's never been kissed doesn't mean she doesn't know how to shut down undesirables!
10 I sometimes look at men's lips, wondering how it'd feel to kiss them
So in this scenario, I'm probably the creep. Also, I'm sure lots of girls do this even after their first kiss, especially if they're attracted to a man and/or find his lips super enticing, but I, for one, genuinely have no idea or sources for comparison. My pondering about this seems more scientific, like, "Hm, the plushness of his lower lip appears advantageous for a cushiony matching of the lips, but perhaps, with the shape of my mouth, something thinner might be more compatible? He has thick lips--how the heck would those feel?" This is yet another scientific equation I am working on, but I have no research or experiments to back up the hypotheses. I'm not even someone who likes or is good at science, but this is how far removed I am emotionally from all this.
9 I can't get immersed into a kiss on screen
"Oh my god, they finally did it! They kissed!" I inwardly squeal as a couple finally takes the next step in their relationship on TV or in film. Sometimes I watch it again because it's a hot kiss. Then I pause it if I can and wonder, "Wait, what's that even like?" I'm both excited for the characters and touched at the sweetness, but it's actually hard for me to be really immersed in the moment because I honestly have no clue what that feels like. I can't empathize because I have no personal experience to go off. I just creepily ogle their kiss, squinting my eyes, tilting my head, and wondering, "Does it feel as good as the actors are making it out to be?" Get it? "Making it out… " Okay, moving on!
8 I wonder if I should let the person know
Should I be like, "Oh by the way, disclaimer, I've never kissed a guy before. Oh, a girl? Nope, never tried that either," or just wing it and hope he doesn't notice? There still is that possibility I could be a total natural at it. I could watch him squirm and fidget and enjoy making him uncomfortable by continuing on with, "You're basically taking my lip virginity right now. Are you ready to take on that responsibility?" and see how he responds (re: will he be turned off or turned on by it? Or will he act like a normal, chill dude who's just like, "I mean that's cool and all, but the moment is gone, so I'll try again later. If that's cool with you? Would you mind waiting a bit longer?"). As I've already said, some guys might feel weirded out by it--or they might just feel a bit pressured by it. I could not tell him and just do the deed, and he might think, "Wow, she's a really bad kisser," and would that be the better option?
7 And if it's something I should just "get over with"
At this point, should I just close my eyes and kiss anyone I'm attracted to? Should I go crawling to a close guy friend and be like, "Hey, can you just do this itty bitty favor for me?" or should I keep holding out for a man I really want to kiss? One of the things that really does bog down my mind is the possibility that I might just be clinging onto some unrealistic expectation that when the moment is right, it'll just naturally happen and be the memorable first kiss I'll want to tell everyone. Let's be real, the story, "Yeah, and then I just smooched him. He had no idea who I was, but I thought, why the heck not and basically assaulted him," does not make for a great one, but maybe I should just practice on a bunch of random men, and then I'll eventually meet the right man who "meets my ultra high standards" with whom to share the "real first kiss."
6 But actually, I get annoyed when accused of having high standards
At the same time, while there's the possibility I'm being a bit picky, I don't know why that means I have high standards or that my standards should even be low. Honestly, looking at the people I've had crushes on thus far, they weren't immensely handsome, intelligent, charismatic, the whole package. They just made me laugh and had a certain charm I liked. I just need someone I'm comfortable with and whom I like enough, and that simply means we have to click. We have to get along and there needs to be romantic tension between us. I don't expect some tall, model-like man with the perfect personality, sculpted jaw, and successful career to sweep me off my feet. I'm not a fan of the implication that I should just settle because I ain't getting any younger.
5 I'm not desperate
Although I occasionally do feel down about this and wonder if I should just kiss anybody to get it over with, I'm exaggerating my woe about this. I actually don't feel particularly panicky or desperate, gripped by anxiety and fear, panting and sweating like the walls are closing in on me. I haven't scribbled "have first kiss" on a list for my new year's resolutions or in my bucket list with a set deadline. It's not on those lists or any other task list I have at the moment, because honestly, it's the least of my concerns and very low on my list of priorities. I find it weird, yes, and a bit worrisome, but I don't find it to be a problem that needs to be remedied with the utmost urgency. It's something that's on my mind, but it doesn't ever take up my whole mind.
4 I've been asked if I'm lesbian
This irks me in two ways. First of all, why is this even a question that has to be asked? Who cares and why does this matter? It seems like a nosy question out of curiosity, if anything. Second of all, it boggles my mind that people jump to the conclusion because I have little experience and never kissed a man before, this must mean I want to kiss women. That must be the only logical explanation; it's not because I'm not desperate enough to jump at any man, that I don't care enough to put myself out there, that I'm focusing on more important parts of my life than my love life, it's that I must just not be attracted to men. It's an all-too-simple way of looking at this. People do have other stuff going on, you know.
3 No thank you, I don't want to meet so-and-so
Friends have often tried setting me up or pushing online dating on me. While neither option is a bad thing in the least, I have mentioned already that I'm not actively pursuing this. But more than that, this is a matter of pride for me. While I may be open to those options in the future, for now, I really do want my first experience to be something natural and organic, something that I find for myself because I've waited long enough and I deserve it. I would like an innocent first kiss a la the story of boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they kiss--not girl goes on countless blind dates and scours the internet for decent guy to smooch for first time. I want that experience most people have with their first kiss or first love, just something they stumble upon. After, I'm open to anything!
2 I'm curious about the etiquette and reality of kissing
Should I not eat garlic? But I love garlic. Should I invest in breath spray? Or should I just be like, "Hey, if you want me, you gotta accept that garlic will be a part of me, man, there's no negotiation." There has to be bad breath involved when it comes to kissing; I just don't see how that's avoidable. Especially when movie stars kiss, their breaths should be dry, stale, and smelly after hours of filming with little to no sleep, right? And morning breath, am I right? I'm very curious about this, actually, because kisses are made to be immensely romantic and fantastical, but I know that it can't be all that, like come on. Other people can ask, "How did he do it?" and, "Did you like it?" When they're done, I'll lean in and ask, "How did his breath taste?"
1 I know it's nothing to be ashamed of
If anything, it's an impressive feat! How did I resist all those raging hormones as a teen? Joking aside, I can't completely lie and say that I'm not slightly embarrassed writing about this personal fact, but I really don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. I certainly don't hide it from people if the topic comes up, and I know that, although it seems rare, it might not actually be as rare, it's just something that people don't openly share with others. Actually, many of my friends got theirs in their twenties and some still haven't--I'm not alone!
Everybody lives at his/her own pace, experiencing the same things at different times. Some people have their first kiss early, perhaps at age twelve, while others have theirs later, perhaps at age eighteen. Some people are like me, in their twenties or even thirties and later, without having their first kiss. It's no big deal. In my case, I honestly think that I just never encountered somebody whom I liked enough to engage in something so intimate. And I began focusing in other areas of my life, such as being happy with who I am and working on my career. Eventually, I know the kiss will happen. Whether it's next month or next year, whether it'll be magical with Prince Charming or horrendous with a toad, it will certainly be a memorable experience, and that's all that I want for myself. If anything, we're special and we're worth it!