12 Realest Reasons Why Divorces Happen

Between 40 and 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That's a pretty staggering number, and that number has continued to rise over the past few decades.

The rise in the number of divorces can at least partially be attributed to a change in attitudes about divorce as an institution. In previous generations divorce was so taboo, especially in some religious communities, that people stayed in unhappy, toxic, and sometimes even dangerous marriages just to avoid the stigma associated with divorce. Since divorce has become less stigmatized, and even commonplace, many people have been able to escape painful relationships.

The rise in divorces also speaks to a cultural shift in how the institution of marriage is viewed. Marriage is not necessarily seen as “til death do us part” anymore. When a couple runs in to trouble, they know they have divorce as an out.

Sometimes divorce is the healthiest option for both people involved, but often divorce is preventable if both partners are willing to do the work to keep the marriage together. But most people are completely unaware of how much work it actually takes to keep a marriage together, and when they find out, they're unwilling to do what it takes.

How do husbands and wives get to a place where divorce seems like their only option? Well, it's different for every relationship, but there are definitely a few common threads. Couples who are looking to keep their marriages alive and well can benefit from understanding the pitfalls that often lead to divorce.

12 They can't trust each other with money

Some of the best advice I received is that you shouldn't marry someone you can't trust with money. Even if partners choose to keep their finances separate, their finances impact each other. This is especially true if they're going to buy property together or take on some other major debt.

Not trusting each other with money can take all sorts of forms. One partner might think their partner spends money irresponsibly. Or one partner may hide their spending habits for fear of being judged. Or maybe the bills don't get paid in as timely a fashion as one partner would like.

Whatever form financial distrust takes, it is toxic to a marriage. Couples fight over money all the time, and it adds a ton of stress to the relationship. Often, people don't give much thought to their finances before they get married, and this is a big mistake. Partners who can't have open, honest, and level headed conversations about their finances are definitely headed down a bad road.

11 Someone has a problem telling the truth

Honesty is the foundation of any solid relationship. Dishonesty comes in many forms, and almost all of them are corrosive to a marriage. I'm not saying partners should go ahead and say everything that pops in to their head to each other. That would cause just as many problems as outright lying. But consistent trouble with telling the truth is always a warning sign of a marriage headed for divorce.

When people think about how dishonesty ruins a marriage, they usually think about one person keeping a huge secret and the other person finding out. Of course, this is one way dishonesty can ruin a marriage, but it's probably not the most common way.

Often, marriages break down when one partner consistently tells lies they perceive to be small or when they simply lie by omission. It may not seem like a big deal when they make the choice to lie, but the lies add up and their partner is left wondering what they can believe.

Once a marriage gets to a point where one partner doesn't ever know if what they're hearing is the truth, divorce is inevitable.

10 There's someone else

Statistics about infidelity and how many marriages end as a result of infidelity vary widely depending on the source. Some studies portray infidelity as an epidemic on the rise, running marriages everywhere, and other studies take a much more conservative view, finding that infidelity is actually not all that common. But whatever, the numbers are, the fact is that when infidelity does occur, the marriage often dissolves.

We often think of infidelity only in terms of the actual act of cheating: engaging in intimate activity with someone other than a spouse. But this is not the only form of infidelity. Marriages also end when there is emotional infidelity. One partner begins to invest their emotional energy in someone other than their spouse, and their spouse begins to feel neglected. Perhaps they fall in love with someone else, but never act on their feelings. Even if no act of infidelity has occurred, the emotional infidelity takes a toll on the couple.

If the couple is unwilling to address and move past physical or emotional infidelity, divorce may be the only option.

9 They got married too young

Not all couples who marry young are headed for divorce, but getting married too young is definitely a risk factor for divorce. Many couples who get married young quickly realize that they had really unrealistic ideas of what marriage would be like. Young couples begin to understand that living together, managing finances, and making decisions together is harder than they thought. They realize that marriage is hard work and that they were completely unprepared.

Young married couples may also run in to feelings that they didn't have the chance to experience life before they got married and become resentful of being tied down. They may feel like they didn't get to sleep around enough before they committed to sleeping with one person for the rest of their life. Or maybe they feel like they didn't get the chance to travel enough or pursue a career they were interested. Or maybe they just feel like they didn't have the chance to be young and free.

When these feelings creep in to the marriages of young couples, they may choose to end the marriage to have a second chance at life.

8 Things have gone stale in the bedroom

Intimacy is incredibly important to a healthy marriage. Each person has their own definition of how much nookie is enough for them, and in healthy relationships, partners reach a compromise about how much sex they have in order to satisfy their needs.

A marriage is headed for trouble if one person is dissatisfied with how much nookie they're having or not having. Pop culture usually paints the picture of the ever-suffering man who never gets enough from his wife, but this is not always the case. Some men have lower sex drives than their wives and the wife is left dissatisfied, and in some relationships the spark has died completely and neither partner is interested in intimacy. The situation varies for each couple.

Another common scenario is that the bedroom has become boring. When you're intimate with the same person year after year, things get stale. If one partner is resistant to spicing things up, the other may become resentful and lose interest entirely.

If couples don't take the time to discuss their desires and make space to honor their partner's desires, sex can literally ruin the relationship.

7 They got married because they thought they should

Some couples get married just because it seems like the next logical step in their relationship. Perhaps they can feel the relationship starting to falter and get married because they think it will solidify a shaky relationship. Whatever the reason, it becomes clear after a while that they got married because they thought they should, not because they really wanted to.

Though long term relationships without marriage are becoming more common, marriage is still the norm. Couples often feel a lot of pressure to get married from people around them, especially their families. There is also a lot of pressure from society to get married. Being unmarried over a certain age is still cause for distress for many people. This can cause them to jump in to marriages without completely considering if they want to spend the rest of their life with their partner.

Marriages that are entered in to this way are likely to fall apart when one or both partners realize that they were fully committed from the beginning.

6 They have different goals

It's impossible to predict what the future holds. Couples who have common goals when they get married can find themselves on completely different paths years down the road. Couples who thought they shared common goals find that they don't prioritize the same things anymore. This can cause a huge rift in the relationship, especially if one partner is willing to pursue their goals more than they're willing to pursue the relationship.

Another common problem is when one partner is generally goal oriented and the other partner isn't at all. The goal oriented partner can end up feeling like they're being held back, or the non-goal oriented partner may feel like they're being left behind.

The biggest trouble comes when the partners' goals for the marriage itself differ. For example, if one partner wants to have kids and the other doesn't, this can cause irreparable damage.

When partners find that they are walking down different paths, the result is often leaving each other behind.

5 The relationship is truly toxic

Some relationships are truly unhealthy and divorce is really the best option for one or both of the people involved. If physical abuse is occurring then leaving the marriage is essential, even if the abusive partner apologizes and promises to change. Unfortunately, physical abuse usually only escalates.

Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse that can make a marriage so toxic that divorce is the best option. Emotional abuse can be just as harmful. When a partner is mean, overly critical, demanding, or devalues their partner, the psychological effects add up causing extreme harm to the abused partner.

A more extreme form of emotional abuse called gaslighting is when a partner intentionally tries to emotionally destabilize their partner. They may convince their partner that everything is their own fault, or that they are making up all the problems and that nothing is wrong. This kind of emotional abuse can completely tear a person down.

When a marriage is abusive, physically or psychologically, divorce can be a blessing that allows the abused partner to move on and heal.

4 They lost themselves and eventually each other

It's easy to get caught up in the roles and expectations of marriage. Sometimes, people get so caught up in these roles and expectations that they begin to lose themselves. They begin to ignore their own interests and goals. They devote their lives to making their partner happy instead of making themselves happy.

When two lives combine, it's easy for them to become essentially one life, but this is not healthy for the marriage. It's important for each partner to maintain their identity, to foster their interests, and to explore their own lives.

If one or both partners cannot figure out how to do this, they are likely to begin to resent the marriage and grow apart.

Another common problem is that couples eventually grow apart. Years down the road they feel like their partner isn't the person they married and that they don't even really know them.

When partners don't maintain their own identities, and foster their partner's identity, the relationship can slowly erode.

3 They didn't know how to talk to each other

Communication is essential to maintaining a marriage, but unfortunately man people don't know very much about how to effectively communicate with their partners. Everyone has different communication styles and if partners are unaware of their communication styles it can be very difficult to resolve conflict. It's even worse when one partner is purposely disrespectful of their partner's communication style.

Learning how to accommodate your partner's communication style takes work. It means being willing to examine how you speak and how you listen and how your partner speaks and listens. It also means being willing to change your communication style to fit with your partner's.

Often people are unwilling to admit that their communication style is ineffective in their relationship. Or they want to blame their partner for being unable to communicate because their partner's communication style doesn't meet their expectations.

If partners cannot figure out how to compromise and accommodate each other's communication styles, the marriage is likely to fail.

2 There's no adventure anymore

One of the most exciting parts of falling in love is all the experiences that new couples share. They go on dates, they try new things together, and they travel together. When couples have been together for a long time, especially married couples, this sense of adventure can fade.

They may stop going on dates as regularly as they used to or at all. Maybe they get caught up in the fast pace of adulting and don't make the time to travel anymore. They might not be as willing to try new things together.

Everything falls in to a routine and the shine of the relationship wears off. The truth of being married is that the shine always fades. It takes work and dedication to find the shine again. If couples are unwilling to find the adventure again, they get bored with the marriage and start to seek adventure other places. This can create walls that the couple finds impossible to break down, eventually leading to divorce.

1 They decided to stop putting in the work

More and more studies are finding that the number one reason that marriages fail is that couples become unwilling to put in the work required to stay married. Marriages are hard work. They require an immense amount of attention and emotional investment.

Unfortunately, this is not as widely discussed as it should be and many people enter marriages not realizing the amount of work they will have to put in for their marriage to survive. Many believe that their love is strong enough to get them through anything, but when it comes down to it love is not enough. Hard work is the only thing that makes a marriage last.

With enough hard work, almost any problem a marriage encounters can be solved. Each partner has to be willing to examine their own behavior and how their behavior is impacting their partner. If they find their behavior is harming their partner, they have to do the hard work involved in changing their behavior. This is anything but easy, and some decide it isn't worth it. Many couples get tired of doing the work and decide to give up instead.

Sometimes divorce is necessary for the health and wellbeing of both people involved, but often it is an avoidable outcome. If you are committed to keeping your marriage together, consider these reasons that divorce happen and make moves to address these problems in your marriage.